I think I'd like to go to Heaven. Is it nice there?

There was a point early in elementary school when one of my teachers denounced interracial marriages during Bible class. I remember it sticking out very strongly to me at the time, though it wasn’t until very recently that I realized why. The teacher had said it offhandedly as we were reading about Moses marrying an Ethiopian woman. There was real concern on her face for us. She wanted to make sure we didn’t worry, that we understood that there was nothing wrong here. Races were different during that time. So if we were worried that Moses had married a black woman, we shouldn’t be, since she might not have been black. We returned to the text after her remark, but rather than console, her comment had actively discomforted me. Because I hadn’t been worrying about that until she’d said it, but apparently I should have been. White people marrying black people is wrong. I hadn’t known that before.

Kids at my age weren’t capable of separating this is a fact the teacher is telling me from this is an opinion of the teacher that she thinks is a fact. So that statement – remembered but unaddressed – stayed with me until I entered college, and became friends with a black guy named Jon who was marrying a white girl named Melissa. This struck me as wrong. I had no idea why.

As much as I had no intellectual or societal reason to believe that their marriage was wrong, it didn’t match with something I’d learned and absorbed as a child. It was then that I recalled the incident in Bible class.

It was lucky for me that I remembered it, I think. If I hadn’t been able to trace the roots of my ignorance, I don’t know if I would have been able to truly address it. I had to find the source of my prejudice to destroy it.

If you haven’t been following the Rob Bell controversy, I’ll catch you up. A few weeks ago, a blogger named Justin Taylor was given a pre-release excerpt of Rob Bell’s new book, Love Wins. He posted a brief review of the material with the title “Rob Bell: Universalist?”, which John Piper tweeted a link to with the comment "Farewell Rob Bell."  Then the internet exploded and here we are.

We don’t have the privilege of reading those chapters yet (though the publisher has smartly moved the release date up to next week, so we’ll get our chance soon enough), but we do have a promotional video from Bell explaining the concepts explored in the book, which I think is fairly enlightening.

I don’t know what your thoughts were while viewing, but I found the first part especially interesting. Bell walks towards the camera, disconcerting music droning in the background, as he asks some of the deepest questions of our faith. Who is to be condemned to Hell? Is Hell what we think it is? Is God? The intimation is that our previously held conceits might be negative views imposed on us from a well-meaning but misunderstanding church, so it’s easy to see why Reformed preachers like Piper find the video so disturbing. It must feel like bad theology advancing right at them.

There has been extensive blogging done on both sides of the theological aisle in the last few weeks, a good bit of it done by smart, well-trained Christian writers and thinkers, and I have no real interest in throwing my hat into the ring on that front.

For one thing, most of the writing done about this subject has been supercilious at best and mean-spirited at worst, and I don’t want any mud on my clothes or blood on my hands (as Gary David Stratton noted this week, the title Love Wins is becoming ironic). For another, the pre-destination debate has never held any real interest because I don’t think it ever goes beyond debate. We can’t really know for certain if God had a hand-picked few of us chosen from the dawn of time, or if he intentionally holds himself back in order to give us free will. We can study the Scriptures and make up our own mind, and if you read the Bible from the right angle, you can find support for both viewpoints. Frankly, you can find support for almost anything in the Bible, if you squint at it just right.

The issue is that neither side is willing to admit that the other side’s viewpoint has any credence, as if either one of us sees through the glass anything but darkly. Piper’s argument is understandable (though his tone indefensible) because he was a man who once said “Bad theology dishonors God and hurts people. Churches that sever the root of truth may flourish for a season, but they will wither eventually or turn into something besides a Christian church.” Piper doesn’t see any of this as an intellectual debate, he sees it as an advancing enemy, an agent of destruction in the church, and he wants it gone.

Christian blogs have burned hot with self-righteous fire the past few weeks, as if Universalists (fine, Christian Universalists) and Calvinists (fine, neo-Calvinists) have been waiting for their own Franz Ferdinand. I have little patience with the debate, as much of it seems to boil down to a deep, abiding fear that the other side is espousing a theology dangerous to the Gospel.

But I understand the struggle. Bad theology corrupts. Anything that distorts the Gospel should be expunged from churches, as quickly as possible, and violently if necessary. A bad idea, left in our minds too long, leaves an indelible mark.

The moment with my teacher was an unfortunate one, but at least it stuck out to me. How many misconceptions are ingrained in us without question?

To me, that’s what bad theology looks like: an opinion shaped like a fact. A possibility shaped like a certainty. A nice thought shaped like the words of Jesus.

What it doesn’t look like is hard questions with uncertain answers. That’s why Bell’s video fails to put a chill into my heart. Hearing Bell try to put a few small cracks in our preconceptions fails to make me see the Kingdom crumpling around us. Is there anything he’s saying that, in the dark of the night, you haven’t asked yourself? Don’t you worry for those who never know Christ? For those who never hear about him? And don’t you seem created to care about such things?

My brother emailed me about the subject this week, and his email started with the sentence: “Any description of hell by humans is necessarily limited by human understanding.” How much can we really hope to understand about much of this while on earth? Can we perfect our theology? Is there a point of rightness whereby we become Christians, or are we just hoping for bonus points from God when we get to Heaven (“Hey, Steve-o, you were totally right. There’s no purgatory, I picked you, not the other way around, and Hell is very dark and you suffer for eternity. High five up top!”).

Why then, when these questions come up, do we feel the need to hit the panic button so hard? The people making these arguments seem so concerned with sending up a signal flare that they’re not bothered if they set the whole forest on fire.

My problem with the debate is not with Universalism’s differences from Calvinism, but from its sameness. Universalism’s problem is that it says no need to worry – God’ll figure all this out later. Calvinism’s problem is that it says no need to worry – God sorted this out a long time ago. Neither seems to give any real credence to the philosophy that Jesus most forcefully expounded on: that we are to go and make disciples of all nations.

Someday, when I get to Heaven, I’m assuming that God’s not going to say, “well done, good and faithful servant. You patrolled those internet message boards like an ravenous tiger. Your smirking, hostile posts won me many disciples. Enter in and receive your reward.”

But then again, I can’t really say for sure yet. I guess none of us can.



The Best SNL Digital Shorts

Everyone's humor is different, so I'm sure people will argue with me about the top of the list, but I think we can all agree on the bottom, right? Some of these sketches just didn't work in any context. I put "Space Olympics" at the bottom, since that was a horrific sketch despite happening during the season premiere, when everyone had had plenty of time to come up with some good ideas. Therefore, I feel that was the least forgivable.

Jonathan and I have talked about the idea of "batting averages" in sketch comedy before: about 1 in ever 3 SNL sketches is good. A bad SNL show has maybe one good skit among six, a good one has 3 or so (and no awful sketches). The Digital Shorts have a higher batting average: two out of every three shorts are pretty good, and they hit a home run maybe four or five times a year.

This is a list of every Digital Short, ever, with only a few exceptions (about three or four were played and then never seen again, for whatever reason), so I have to figure this list is as comprehensive as any you'll find on the internet.

1. I’m On A Boat
2. Dick In a Box
3. Natalie Raps
4. I Just Had Sex
5. Laser Cats!
6. Lazy Sunday
7. Mother Lover

8. Like a Boss
9. United Way
10. Dear Sister 
11. Andy and Pee-Wee’s Night Out
12. Iran So Far
13. People Getting Punched Right Before Eating
14. Tizzle Wizzle Show
15. Great Day
16. Jizz In My Pants
17. James Cameron’s Laser Cats 5
18. Business Meeting
19. Dopple Ganger
20. Japanese Office
21. The Best Look In The World
22. Andy Popping Into Frame
23. Everyone’s A Critic
24. On The Ground
25. Brian Diaries
26. Firelight
27. Lettuce
28. Shy Ronnie
29. Body Fuzion
30. Zach Drops By the Set
31. Peyote
32. Party Guys
33. Laser Cats 4-Ever
34. Flags of the World
35. The Creep
36. Ras Trent
37. Get Out!
38. Cookies
39. The Curse
40. Andy’s Dad
41. Two Worlds Collide (ft. Reba McEntire)
42. Booty Call
43. Boombox
44. Doogie Howser Theme
45. Laser Cats! 3D
46. Andy Walking
47. Cubicle Fight
48. Grandkids in the Movies
49. Virgania Horsen’s Pony Express
50. Laser Cats! 2
51. Young Chuck Norris
52. Extreme Activities Challenge
53. Harpoon Man
54. Pep Talk
55. Stumblin’
56. Shy Ronnie 2:Ronnie and Clyde
57. Golden Girls Theme
58. The Other Man
59. The Mirror
60. Relaxation Therapy
61. Close Talkers
62. Roy Rules
63.
A Couple Of Homies
64. Hero Song
65. Party at Mr. Bernard’s

66.
Talking Dog
67. What Was That?
68. The Tangent
69. Property of the Queen
70. Rescue Dogs 3D App
71. Megan’s Roommate
72. Cherry Battle
73. Brenda & Shaun
74. I Broke My Arm
75. Daiquiri Girl
76. Hey! (Murray Hill)
77. Boogerman
78. The Date
79. Space Olympics



Well, one of us changed...

I was reading Rick Reilly's latest column, feeling the same frustration I get when I read all of his columns now. He writes with absolute certainty about a number of things about which I feel you can't be certain: NBA players wanting to play together is bad for the league and for fans, a Christian who refuses to wrestle a girl is a ridiculous travesty, his son is a better person than Kevin Durant because he has less money, Jay Cutler is the worst person in the world, people who play fantasy sports are pathetic losers, players who cause concussions should sit out along with the players they injure, we shouldn't change what we do to help people who have rare allergies, etc. 

I remember I read and enjoyed the book of Reilly's collected columns, Hate Mail From Cheerleaders, a few years back. I breezed right through it without hitting any speed bumps, in fact, I often found myself nodding in agreement, or getting emotionally invested in things that had come and gone ten years earlier. But now I read all of his columns and am struck by how unshakably he'll maintain his confidence even when his opinion is completely wrongheaded. I assumed for a while that it was Reilly who had changed - he's now become grumpier, more biased, more arrogant.
But what if it isn't? Is it possible that in five or six years, when these columns are collected into another book, people will read them and assume that he's totally correct? If we generally agree with someone, will all their opinions seem correct in retrospect if we've mostly forgotten what our own thoghts on the issues were at the time?

I remember reading throught the entire Doonesbury catalog at one point. I loved all of it, especially during the first stretch when they were in college (the strip jumped the shark after their graduation). But I wasn't alive during most of the issues that they were discussing, so Garry Trudeau's opinions on Haldeman or the Iran Contra hearings simply became my own opinions. I didn't have any reason to disagree. Later in life, I would read Trudeau's work in the paper and violently disagree. I assumed at the time that it was Trudeau who had changed. Now, I can't assume that's true.

The lesson here, I suppose, is that in modern life, we're picking up details and opinions from every possible angle. I've heard dozens of people give their opinion on the Carmelo Anthony trade, and I've distilled each of them into my own. But when we read or hear something from the distant - or even not-so-distant - past, our instinct is to accept it at face value. After all, if it's stuck around this long, it must be true. So while we'd never vote for a President based entirely off of one article by a vaguelly credible news source, we'd willingly accept an article that H.G. Wells was a hack and an asshole without blinking.

Apparently, nothing ages so nicely as a well-told lie.

 

Oscar Results

Boy, what a snoozefest. James Franco was so uninvested he makes Baron Davis look like a Bill Russell. God bless Twitter! There's no event so dull that it can't be made watchable by people actively, viciously hating it.

I got 15 out of 24, which I think is about average this year. That's what Roger Ebert got, too. Anyone do better?*

 

*Check that, I actually got 17 out of 24, which is exactly what I predicted I would get. Evidently I can predict better than I can count.

 

Oscar Predictions 2011

My favorite prediction post of the year! I tend to be much better on this subject than any other. Last year I got 19 out of 24 right, so I’m unlikely to do better this year.

No matter! I intend to rest on my laurels. On to the predictions! I’m planning on keeping the column short this year, unless an explanation is absolutely necessary.

Two answers for each category – the likely winner, and the nominee I’d like to see take it.

Best Picture
Will Win: The King’s Speech
Should Win: The King’s Speech
Explanation: I know, I know, I just picked Inception as my favorite movie of the year. But I really feel like The King’s Speech is the more deserving movie. It’s less daring than Inception, but also has less flaws.

 
Best Actor

Will Win: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
Should Win: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech
Explanation: This race was over before it began. I’d be surprised if any of the other nominees wrote speeches.


Best Actress
Will Win: Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Should Win: Natalie Portman, Black Swan
Explanation: The only reason Portman wouldn’t win is that voters seem inclined to vote for Annette Bening because Portman’s much younger, and Bening “probably doesn’t have many chances left.” I think this is lunacy, but people apparently “vote with their hearts, and a lot of people are just less inclined to vote for the pretty skinny girl.” (I don’t know why that’s in quotes, I just made that up) You’ll hear this same argument come up whenever Julie Zorrilla or Pia Toscano get voted off American Idol get voted off this year.

 
Best Supporting Actor
Will Win: Christian Bale, The Fighter
Should Win: Christian Bale, The Fighter
Explanation: Who is this grinning, fun-loving shaggy figure making jokey acceptance speeches, singing the PowderPuff Girls theme song and talking about how much he loves Beverly Hills Ninja? This is the same guy who went on a rant at some random lighting guy for ruining his ability to over-emote on the Terminator: Salvation set? The same guy who (allegedly) hit his mother? I’m not convinced.

 
Best Supporting Actress

Will Win: Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit
Should Win: Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit
Explanation: Melissa Leo has won every trophy in this category up to this point, but she has two things that’ll trip her up this time:

a.     Steinfeld, who was really a lead actress in her movie, usually wasn’t nominated in this category.
b.     Leo decided to release her own series of “Consider: Melissa Leo” ads that were so self-aggrandizing, it made it much easier to admit that she wasn’t that great in The Fighter. A lot of the acting she did in that movie was just making her hair frizzy.

 
Best Director
Will Win: David Fincher, The Social Network
Should Win: Christopher Nolan. I mean, David Fincher.
Explanation: I know it’s rare that a film wins Best Picture but not Director, but it’s not been quite so rare lately. It’s happened a couple times in the past ten years, including in 2006, when Ang Lee won Director even though Brokeback Mountain lost out to Crash.

 
Best Animated Feature

Will Win: Toy Story 3
Should Win: How To Train Your Dragon
Explanation: Pixar’s nominated every time, and they’ve only lost this thing twice, not to mention they’ve got a Best Picture nomination, so it seems a safe bet to pick them. I liked Dragon better than Toy Story, but I may need to re-watch both before I make a final choice on that front.

 
Best Foreign Film

Will Win: Denmark, In A Better World
Should Win: ???
Explanation: In order to vote on these films, you’re required to see all 5, which very few Academy members do. So even though Biutiful has an Oscar nomination, it's not a lock to win. The word on the street from those who have actually watched these films is that In A Better World is excellent, and Dogtooth is just crazy and strange. Do with that information what you will.

 
Best Documentary
Will Win: Inside Job
Should Win: Exit Through The Gift Shop
Explanation: I have no idea. Usually I pick a war documentary – I was leaning towards Restrepo – but Inside Job is about the financial meltdown, so I assume that the Academy will lean that way. I’d prefer that the choice be Exit Through The Gift Shop, because if Banksy really did get to accept the Oscar while wearing a gorilla mask so we wouldn’t know what he looks like, that would be the best thing that ever happened, ever.

 
Best Original Song

Will Win: “Coming Home,” Country Strong
Should Win: “I See The Light,” Tangled
Explanation: I can’t decide here. I feel that “I See The Light” is the best song – it feels like a classic Disney song in all the right ways. But “Coming Home” is far and away the most radio-ready, and the Academy might want to honor Gwyneth Paltrow for working so hard to become a viable musician. Then again, Randy Newman is nominated, and the man has 20 nominations, one win. Hmmm.

 
Best Adapted Screenplay
Will Win: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network
Should Win: Aaron Sorkin, The Social Network
Explanation: You probably already know, I’m a huge Sorkinite (that’s not really a thing, I just wanted a word for it), so this was an easy pick for me. But still: verbose, smart, well-assembled. A slam dunk in this category.

 
Best Original Screenplay
Will Win: David Seidler, The King’s Speech
Should Win: Christopher Nolan, Inception
Explanation: You already know my feelings on the lack of Inception love here, so I’ll just point out that a lot of the run-up to the awards shows have noted that Seidler also overcame a speech impediment. He’ll get the sympathy vote, but on the upside, it probably will make his victory speech exciting. Not because he’ll be stuttering, but because he’ll be talking about how this win means so much to stutterers everywhere, as if they cared that a guy who used to stutter won an award for something. Harsh? Maybe. I have no sympathy for such things when the movie I'm rooting for is getting shut out.

 
Best Art Direction
Will Win: Alice In Wonderland
Should Win: Alice In Wonderland
Explanation: Showy beats subtle. Every time.

 
Best Cinematography

Will Win: Roger Deakins, True Grit
Should Win: Roger Deakins, True Grit
Explanation: Roger Deakins has shot the following films: Revolutionary Road, The Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford, No Country For Old Men, Jarhead, A Beautiful Mind, O Brother, Where Art Thou, The Hurricane, Fargo, The Shawshank Redemption, The Hudsucker Proxy, and In The Valley of Elah. He has never won this award. That’s changing.  

 
Best Costumes

Will Win: The King’s Speech
Should Win: The King’s Speech
Explanation: There’s no flashy choice here, so it’s wise to go with the frontrunner. I tried to talk myself into Alice In Wonderland here, and failed.

 
Best Editing

Will Win: The Social Network
Should Win: Inception
Explanation: I will not stop flogging this dead horse. This award should have been Inception’s, and it's not even nominated. If The King’s Speech wins this, I will lose my mind.

 
Best Makeup
Will Win: The Wolfman
Should Win: The Wolfman
Explanation: Always pick the makeup job that seemed hardest to do. Making some guy a wolf seems way harder than making some guy look dirty, or old.

 
Best Score
Will Win: The Social Network
Should Win: Inception
Explanation: BRAAAAAAAAHM! BRAAAAAAAAHM! BRAAAAAAHM

 
Best Sound Editing/Design
Will Win: Inception
Should Win: Inception
Explanation: Hooray, consolation prizes!

 
Best Visual Effects:

Will Win: Inception
Should Win: Inception
Explanation: More consolation prizes!

 
Best Animated Short
Will Win: Day & Night
Should Win:  Day & Night
Explanation: When in doubt, pick the only choice that you personally saw. Loved this thing.

 

Best Live Action Short
Will Win: “Na Wewe”
Should Win: Who cares?
Explanation: Haven’t watched any of these, and none of them seems to have a subject matter that jumps out – they didn’t get AIDs from Bernie Madoff or anything – so I’ll pick the one that seems to have some sort of buzz to it. It’s set in Africa, which is always a win.

 
Best Documentary Short
Will Win: “Strangers No More”
Should Win: No idea.
Explanation: Underpriviliged kids in Tel Aviv where kids from dozens of different countries come to learn. Their stories are filled with hardship, and uplift. It’s like an Oscar voters’ wet dream. But then, so is “Killing In The Name,” which is about a Jordanian who confronts Muslim extremists after a bomber kills 27 people at his wedding. The voters must be so torn. So many bad things happening to people! How can we show that we care more about it than other people?

It feels like a straightforward year, right? I predict 17 out of 24 correct for me this year. It’s kind of a chalk tournament, I think.