The 13th Best Movie I Saw (in 2011): Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy

I got in a debate with a junior high student earlier this year over whether or not Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen was an “awesome” movie or not. The battle raged loudly for a minute or two before it occurred to me that there was little, maybe nothing I could say that would mean anything to this poor kid. He liked the second Transformers movie for all the reasons you like a Transformers movie, I’d hated it for all the reasons you don’t. And, in my defense, there’s a twenty-minute section where an old plane explains the mythology of the Primes, which remains a stupid thing no matter who you are. 

The argument echoed the conversation I occasionally have with people who are bewildered by the attention I pay to movies. “Can you ever just, like, watch a movie? For fun?” They ask. I give my standard answer, the answer every film student and movie critic has ever given: delving into movies doesn’t decrease my enjoyment of movies, it increases it. Does it make me a touch superior and condescending? More than a touch? No doubt. But I love diving into a good movie, or a bad movie, and if I spend thirty minutes afterwards on the drive home complaining about camera angles and plot holes, well, that’s part of the fun for me. If you don’t like it, go see Marmaduke with someone else.

And then, we come to Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, a movie it may be possible to like only if you are like me. It is unrepentantly old school, a film for people who love and miss the slow, taut pace of 70’s thrillers. People gaze off into the distance for long periods of time, and the director contents himself with a wide shot, not bothering to give us a the visual crutch of a close-up. What is the character thinking? Who can tell? Guess! We spend much of the movie watching the back of Gary Oldman’s head. If I hadn’t read the book prior to seeing the film, I doubt I would’ve had the faintest idea what was going on.

Oldman plays George Smiley, who despite being in the British secret service, is a sort of anti-James Bond. He does everything slowly, methodically. He spends much of his time on paperwork. All his legwork is done by other people. He lives a life of the mind, sitting back and watching the chess pieces move about the board, trying to deduce their strategy. There’s no glitz to his spy game, it’s a deliberately plodding movie, so that you pay attention to every detail that swings across the screen. I’ve never been so mentally conflicted about a film while watching it, I was simultaneously fascinated and bored out of my mind.

What kept my attention, though, was Gary Oldman’s performance. I’ve long been a staunch fan of Oldman’s, who’s made a career of bringing gravitas to every project he touches (both The Dark Knight and Harry Potter benefitted greatly from his appearance), no matter how silly (this is a man who was in Red Riding Hood, The Fifth Element, and Lost In Space, after all). Here, his performance is center stage, the camera permanently fixed on him, and Oldman takes that mantle and does… nothing at all. He pulls back, keeping all emotion shrouded, making you watch him carefully the whole movie, waiting for the gaps and breaks that you know have to appear at some point. It’s a credit to the Academy that a performance this subtle won an Oscar nomination, there’s nothing Oldman does this whole picture that ever feels like acting.

Which, I suppose, is a pretty great compliment when you think about it.

The Hunt For The Most 90's Song of All Time III

I haven't gotten to do one of these for about a month. But I have a good half-dozen built up now! Here's the first.

“You Only Get What You Give” – New Radicals (1998)

90’s Band Name: The name “New Radicals” makes it seem like there actually is a band here, but the title is just a cover for the band’s only member, Gregg Alexander. This is a classic late-90’s trope: the one-man band. Examples include Aphex Twin, Fatboy Slim, Pedro The Lion, and maybe The Magnetic Fields, depending how much you believe there’s really anyone in that band besides Stephin Merritt. This should be a slam dunk for tons of 90’s points, except that the pattern continued into the early 2000’s: Five for Fighting, Iron and Wine, LCD Soundsystem. You can argue that this a clear case of a 90’s trend continuing on past the decade that started it (the late-90’s boy band phenomenon is another good example of this), but that doesn’t change the fact that a one-person band doesn’t scream “90’s” at you. (4/10) 

90’s Musical Stylings:  The guitar lick, the production, the vocal howl on the ends of the verses, the hurry-up quasi-rap on the bridge; there’s a lot here the hints at 90’s, even if it’s not explicitly from the decade. Fortunately, the lyrics more than make up for this in their complete 90’s-ness (90-ocity?). Allow me to present the lyrics of the bridge, unedited except to distribute points:

Health insurance rip off lying
FDA big bankers buying
Fake computer crashes   dining (+1)
Cloning  (+2) while they're multiplying
Fashion mag shoots Beck (+1) and Hanson  (+1),
Courtney Love  (+1) and Marilyn Manson (+1)
You're all fakes, run to your mansions
Come around, we'll kick your ass in!

Alexander said he wrote the verse as a test; to see whether the media would focus on the important political issues of the first few lines, or the petty celebrity-dissing   (+1). Man, that guy was really sticking it to the man. As a bonus, at one point, he also uses the word “frenemies.” Frenemies!   (+2) (10/10)

90’s Cred: I assumed that this category would get a low score, but I hadn’t realized these two very important points:

1. When asked what song he was most jealous of by Time, The Edge named this song. (+2)
2. When asked what he'd heard in the last few years that really grabbed him, Ice-T listed this song and this song only. (+3)

What am I missing about this song? It’s the Newcastle United (unofficial) anthem (+1). It made Blender’s list of The 500 Greatest Songs Since You Were Born (+1). In the liner notes of one of her albums, Joni Mitchell praised this song for "rising from the swamp of 'McMusic' like a flower of hope." (+2). Steven Strasburg said the song inspired him to become the pitcher he is today. "The simplicity of the thought, you get what you give, is easy to grasp and use in your day to day life." (-1).  (8/10)

Pop Culture: It came to late to be featured on the soundtracks of any 90’s movies, though it was used on the trailers of a few 90’s films (Big Daddy, Bubble Boy). And it was in 2000’s The Flinstones in Viva Rock Vegas, which we should really consider a 90’s movie. Or pretend it never happened. Yeah, let’s pretend it never happened. (3/10)

Music Video: Oh, holy hell.

We start on Alexander, wearing the stupidest hat (+1) seen on MTV until Jason Mraz showed up.

Well, this is his first music video, after all. You can’t hold sartorial choices against a scrappy young fellow like this, freshly arrived to the music scene. Maybe later, after he’s made some cash off this single and can afford a proper milliner, we’ll see him properly be-hatted. Let’s take a look at his next video, “Someday We’ll Know.”

Fun fact: in this video, Alexander never takes off his hat, nor allows the director to get a single close-up of him. I’m not totally convinced that is Alexander there.

Back to the video. Alexander is in a large, austere shopping mall (+1)  – chosen, it turns out, because “he sees the shopping mall as a metaphor for society—a fake, controlled environment engineered to encourage spending.” (+2) At a nod from Alexander, teenagers all over the mall riot, grabbing passing shoppers and shoving them into dog cages, catching them with nets. (+2)

Let’s talk about this. There comes a point in everyone’s life where he stops identifying with the “troubled upstarts” and “misunderstood teens” and starts to identify with the stuck-in-the-mud adults they encounter. Perhaps I’ve passed this point, and that’s why I’m so horrified by this whole video. But I don’t think that’s it.

In one scene, teenagers grab a passing businesswoman, redress her into a fast food uniform, and force her to make fries and take orders while the teenagers press in on all sides, yelling and throw things at her. See how you like it! seems to be the message. Now, I don’t miss my days as a fry cook, but I don’t look back on the stretch I worked 15 hours a week as the time when I had it really rough.

Thank God the adults are out of the way! Now we’re free to do this!

And let’s go ahead and mention that Gregg Alexander looks like someone raised at a Aryan Youth convention. No one has ever looked happier to be a part of an angry mob.

I cannot overstate how creepy Alexander is in this video. He looks like that white power activist who shoots at President Bartlet’s black aide in “The West Wing.” (wastes 15 minutes unsuccessfully looking for a picture of that character) Okay, well, he does.  

Alexander might actually be creepier. He does this eyebrow twitch when everyone’s getting really violent that says, “isn’t this great?” By the end, he’s singing seductively into the sneeze guard. 

And then the hat’s back (+1).

I hate everything about this video. But it is super-90’s. And, as the video’s top YouTube comment notes, “The 90's were great. Awesome bands, songs, clothes, movies, no 9/11... It was great!” I guess I can’t argue with that. (7/10)

Final Score: Somehow, reviewing this song made me both respect it more and like it less. It ends up with a very respectable (32/50).

The Hunt For The Most 90's Song of All Time: Part Two

Shawn Mullins – “Lullaby” (1998)

90’s Band Name: The name “Shawn” is pretty 90’s, for some reason. This guy just sounds like someone who played the 2 PM spot at every 90’s radio station festival, right after Joey McIntyre, or The Corrs. (3/10)

90’s Musical Stylings: Spoken-word growl over an acoustic lick, followed by a soaring chorus. (4/10)

90’s Cred: One of those singles that sparked conversations, wondering “who is it about?” Extra points that one of the most likely celebrities it was referencing was Drew Barrymore (+3). The lyrics also get a shot in at LA while he’s at it – “kind of like Nashville, with a tan.” (3/10)

Pop Culture: Got to the 90’s too late to have much impact, but did end up in an episode of MTV’s “Undressed.” (2/10)

Music Video: The actress from the music video played John Travolta’s daughter in Face/Off (+1). Mullins also has trouble lip-synching to his own song. There are also lots of “we’re in a club” effects – multiple exposure, sped-up-then-slowed-down footage, blown out shots. It’s such a lame club it looks like one of those hastily-assembled sets from a multi-cam comedy three seasons after everyone stopped trying. Things shift to black and white for an extended sequence as the lead actress “learns something” (+1). I kind of wish I’d chosen to do Mullins’ “Shimmer” instead, which features bad 90’s CGI and what looks like Corey and Shawn (there’s that name again!) from “Boy Meets World” picking on a black kid. (2/10)

Final Score: Really surprised how low this one ranked, but I guess it’s not quite as 90’s as it would seem. (14/50)

Paula Cole – I Don’t Wanna Wait (1997)

I couldn't get the video to embed without autoplaying, so I'm linking to the video here. I highly recommend you watch.

90’s Band Name: “Paula” is pretty 90’s. See: Abdul, Poundstone. (3/10)

90’s Musical Stylings: Acoustic guitar, soaring choruses. Standard acoustic-girl 90’s stuff. (4/10)

90’s Cred: Her first big break was doing a duet on VH1 with Melissa Etheridge (+1). Her first album’s cover is described on Wikipedia as : “Featured photographs of Cole with a boyishly short haircut, wearing loose fitting black sweatclothes, combat boots and nose ring” (+1).   Her second album was dedicated to "the inner fire of all life. May our seeds of light open, brighten, and sow peace on earth” (+4). Toured with Lillith Fair. (+2) (8/10)

Pop Culture: Was the theme song for – and remains permanently inseparable from – “Dawson’s Creek.” Nothing else is needed for 90’s cred. (8/10)

Music Video: Told as a “love story through time.” The music video directors took their name off of it after the version most shown on MTV was one edited so it was out of chronological order. The video shows Cole standing in a dusty room full of clocks with a wind machine (+1) on her. Almost immediately, this is happening (+2):

And then it only gets more awesome after that. When I talk about 90’s videos, this is what I’m talking about – an incredible amount of enthusiasm from everyone to be as “artistic” as possible; very little payoff. In each timeline, we meet Cole’s lover, and when he finally meets his end, he sits on a couch, covered in a old-man makeup, with a Drama 102 “palsy shake” going (+2):

And then Cole covers him with a black veil, to symbolize Death (+3). Great fun. Also, I have no issues with Paula Cole’s looks, but it’s fair to admit that not everyone gets to be a convincing flapper girl, Paula. Play to your strengths. Like, posing naturally in a field (+2):

Couldn’t have enjoyed this more. (10/10)

Final Score: Rough start there at the beginning, but the video and “Dawson’s” tie-in make this a force to be reckoned with. (33/50)

Salt-N-Pepa – “Let’s Talk About Sex” (1991)

90’s Band Name: The three band members are “Salt” “Pepa,” and “N.” I’m just kidding. That would be silly. The last band member is actually named “DJ Spinderella.” (9/10)

90’s Musical Stylings: The song starts with someone – Pepa, I think – shouting “Spinderella, cut it up one time!” before the snare hits. Then there’s a very 90’s beat, followed by female rapping, all of it by Pepa. The only time the other two members interact with the song is to shout “men!”, in response to, “ladies, what’s my weakness?”  (8/10)

90’s Cred: Was later re-written for AIDS awareness as “Let’s Talk About AIDS” (+1). Was later nominated for a Grammy for “Best Rap Performance” – the first female rap group to do so (+1). I feel like there should be more to write here for an act this big, but they’ve mostly disappeared without an online trace since the 90’s. One of them did have a kid with 90’s NBA star Kenny Anderson, though (+1) – however, not the one named “Lyric.” Nor the one named “Jazz.” Nor either of the sons named “Kenneth.” (3/10)

Pop Culture: Was not featured on any movies or TV shows, as far as I can tell. Maybe I shoulda done “Whatta Man.” (0/10)

Music Video: Parts of it are black-and-white, but it becomes colorized once the band starts dancing (+1). Features the band dancing on the beach in front of the Santa Monica Pier in sequined denim jackets (+1). Actually their second consecutive video to feature them on the beach in front of the Santa Monica Pier. The video switches back and forth between putting them in tight black spandex (+1) and incredibly baggy pants and jackets (+2). In both formats, their earrings are just massive. (5/10)

Final Score: What seemed like it would be a powerhouse ended up being kind of a dud. (25/50)

Lisa Loeb & Nine Stories – “Stay (I Missed You)” (1994)

90’s Band Name: How 90’s is the name “Lisa”? (+2) I also connect alliteration with the 90’s, though that may just be me. I always wondered about “Nine Stories,” assuming it was just an affectation, but it turns out there really was a backing band, like the Wailers or the Heartbreakers. In fact, Loeb played with a number of flannel-clad people she met in college (at Brown! (+1)), including, for a period, Duncan Sheik (+2) before settling into Nine Stories, a band named after a J.D. Salinger book (+2). (7/10)

90’s Musical Stylings: Acoustic guitar, gentle singer-songwriter vibe, but gets big during the chorus. Something that can be sung sadly but loudly by movie characters on a car ride home after a tough break-up. (7/10)

90’s Cred: Was famous for her straight brunette hair + glasses style, so much so that when someone is wearing glasses you can still call them Lisa Loeb and sometimes get a laugh, depending how lame your friends are (+2). Managed to have this song be a number one single in the US while not having an actual recording contract, purely because it was featured in the movie Reality Bites (+2) – a gig she got by being close friends with Ethan Hawke (+3), who lived in a nearby apartment in New York (+1). He passed her song on to Ben Stiller (+2), who added it to the end credits, and I don’t have to write any further because this is already a (10/10) and we haven’t even gotten to her time in Lillith Fair yet.

Pop Culture: Was featured in other things – an episode of “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” for one – but the only thing that matters is that the song was featured in Reality Bites, a movie so 90’s that it’s the movie people point to as defining the 90’s. (8/10)

Music Video: This music video was actually directed by Hawke, which gives it 90’s cred all over before we even start (+3). It features her wailing her way through an artfully dilapidated empty apartment (+1) in one long shot (+1), interacting only with the small gray cat that perches on the rusty iron furniture spotting the room.  (5/10)

Final Score: A known 90’s quantity proves more and more indicative of the era the deeper you dig. A very strong (37/50).

Celine Dion – “My Heart Will Go On (Theme from Titanic)” (1998)

90’s Band Name: Nothing particularly 90's, other than being a foreign-sounding solo act. (2/10)

90’s Musical Stylings: Lush, overdramatic strings, wailing electric buried in the mix - classic 90's adult contemporary stuff. (4/10)

90’s Cred: It sold 15 million copies, so it's the best-selling single of 1998, and one of the best-selling singles of all time (+2).  It won several Grammys (including "Record of the Year") (+2), won an Academy Award, a Golden Globe, a Billboard Music Award, and even a Japanese Gold Disc award, whatever that is. This song was truly inescapable. The success of this song led to the creation of Aerosmith's "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" for Armageddon (+2).  At the height of the song's popularity, radio stations played a version that had dialogue from Titanic over the instrumental portions of the song (+2). How insane does that sound now? (8/10)

Pop Culture: Was played over the end credits of Titanic, the biggest movie of the 90's and, at the time, ever. Also an episode of "Daria." Huh. (8/10)

Music Video: This music video is entirely footage from Titanic, (+2) combined with shots of Dion standing on a very digital version of the bow of the Titanic  (+1). As the wind machine hits her (+1), you can see the blue screen around the edges of her hair.  (4/10)

Final Score: Seems like it should have a higher score, but time has aged this from a 90's song into a standard bit of dramatic pop singing that just happens to take place during the 90's. Only its connection to the Titanic phenomenon gives it a score as high as (28/50).

The Hunt For The Most 90's Song of All Time: Part One

I am on a mission.

A quest.

A pilgrimage.

You can disagree with my methods.

Disagree with my results.

Disagree with the way I'm using my time.

(I'll probably agree with you on that last one there)

But you cannot dissuade me.

There is important work being done here.

Life-changing work, probably.

This a question the world needs an answer to.

What is the most 90's song of all time?

The first round of candidates:

Lou Bega – “Mambo #5”  (1998)

90’s Band Name: Solo artist with foreign name.  (2/10)

90’s Musical Stylings: Mambo isn’t a particularly 90’s musical style, but the 90’s were a period where old dance styles like swing suddenly resurrected themselves for a brief moment in the sun. (4/10)

90’s Cred: Was annoying in that “God, can’t this craze just be over right now” way. The LA Times broke a story that the girls names mentioned in the song were all references to the “street names” for drugs, despite the fact that it’s a cover of a Cuban song from the 40’s. (2/10)

Pop Culture: Ended up being covered and played on Radio Disney and Bob the Builder, with the names of the girls changed to Disney characters. (4/10)

Music Video: Bega is wearing a fedora (+1) and has historically bad facial hair (+1). All the girls are wearing high-waisted, belly-baring outfits. (+1) (3/10)

Final Score: Clearly terrible, but doesn’t seem particularly 90’s in how it goes about its business. (15/50)

Bloodhound Gang – “The Bad Touch” (1999)

90’s Band Name: Referential, slightly but not excessively hip-hop (4/10)

90’s Musical Stylings: Features white people rapping, references to Siskel and Ebert,  “Tool Time,” “X-Files,” and Coca-Cola stock. (8/10)

90’s Cred: The song was remixed by a number of artists, including Eiffel 65. The band was also a very 90’s thing: a one-hit wonder. (2/10)

Pop Culture: Was once used in the soundtrack to MTV’s “Daria.” (3/10)

Music Video: Features the band wearing monkey suits (+1), shooting women with tranquilizers and caging them (+1), capturing a dwarf (+2) in a net and later killing him with a car, and beating a gay couple unconscious (+3) with a loaf of French bread. There is also an “uncensored” version judged too hot for TV (+2). This video could only have been made in the 90’s.  (9/10)

Final Score: A mostly forgettable song bumped up by its very 90’s details and music video. (26/50)

Right Said Fred – I’m Too Sexy (1990)

90’s Band Name: A dumb and illogical band name gives them extra points. Plus, there’s something very 90’s about the name “Fred.” No one after 2000 was ever named Fred. That’s why Fred Durst disappeared so quickly.  (7/10)

90’s Musical Stylings: It’s recognizable as a 90’s track, but the synth and drum machine makes this song feel like a product of the 80’s, which really, it is. (4/10)

90’s Cred: Right Said Fred was an incredibly successful British band that failed to make a lasting impact on American soil, which is a pretty 90’s thing to be.  (1/10)

90’s Pop Culture: Was used in an episode of “Designing Women,” an episode of “Baywatch,” an episode of “The Simpsons,” and the movies Encino Man, Grumpy Old Men, Blank Check, Beverly Hills Ninja, That Darn Cat, and BASEketball. Now, that’s a murderer’s row of pure 90’s delight right there. (9/10)

90’s Music Video: The lead singer is alternately wearing a mesh tank top (+1), or wearing no shirt at all, throughout the whole video. One of the band members is shirtless except for a giant silver medallion (+2). There’s a lot of unnecessarily bad handheld camera work. Girls in bikinis are given professional jobs for some reason, like being photographers (+1). One guitar still has the price tag on it (+1). It’s bad and it’s memorable, but there’s still a lot of 80’s to this video.  (5/10)

Final Score: A not-particularly 90’s song with massive pop culture relevance puts the song solidly in the middle of the pack. (26/50)

LFO – “Summer Girls” (1999)

90’s Band Name: LFO stands for “Lyte Funky Ones”, which is a band name it sounds like I made it up, but which I promise you I did not. (10/10)

90’s Musical Stylings: White people in unbuttoned button-down shirts rapping over an acoustic lick, then harmonizing on the chorus. So 90’s it hurts. (10/10)

90’s Cred: Three lame-looking white dudes with frosted tips, named Rich, Brad, and Dow (Dow?) formed Lyte Funky Ones, a band that had only one hit and yet was somehow always on TRL. The song references a good bit of 80’s and 90’s pop culture as a way of connecting with teenagers who would think “hey, I grew up with that same stuff!” 90’s references include Macauley Culkin in Home Alone, the Beastie Boys, Fun Dip, and of course Abercrombie and Fitch.   (7/10)

Pop Culture: Permanently remembered as “that Abercrombie and Fitch song,” which is an awfully 90’s thing to be remembered as. Still, didn’t seem to be featured in any 90’s movies or TV shows. (2/10)

Music Video: The band members all have their hair spiked or gelled (+2). One – I’m assuming this is “Dow” – is wearing large earrings in both ears. There are numerous pairs of baggy cargo pants (+1), bright orange shirts (+1), and wife-beaters (+1). One guy wears his hat backwards (+1) and spends the whole video nodding at the camera with the expression of someone planning a date rape. Most of the girls are in belly-baring shirts and high-waisted shorts (+1). None of them look like a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch.

All of this seems to be have shot on the New Jersey boardwalk, and there’s an extensive break dance sequence (+1) before they all end up at a seaside campfire.  It’s impossible to watch this video and not hate these people. (8/10)

Final Score: I wouldn’t think of this as the prototypical 90’s song, but it gets high marks in most categories. I resent this band all over again. (37/50)

Aqua – “Barbie Girl” (1997)

90’s Band Name: Peppy and light. Very 90’s. (5/10)

90’s Musical Stylings: Standard 90’s bubblegum pop. Features band members talking over the instrumental parts and the female lead singing in a little-girl voice.  (6/10)

90’s Cred: Mattel filed a defamation suit against the band for “sexualizing” Barbie. The judge threw out the suit, concluding in his ruling, “the parties are advised to chill.” That is the greatest thing ever. (5/10)

Pop Culture: Was not featured in any movies, but Rolling Stone readers did vote the song “the number one most annoying song of the 1990s.” (3/10)

Music Video: The band all has excessively gelled hair (+2), some of it bleached (+1). Their names are printed in Japanese characters for no reason (+1). Wipes – including star wipes – are used for no reason. The male singer has earrings (+1) and a hairstyle that defies description. Someone is playing the bongos at one point. (5/10)

Final Score:  I’m only surprised this song didn’t rank higher. (24/50)