Untitled Coffeshop Comedy: First Draft

INT. COFFEESHOP - DAY

RICK is sitting reading a newspaper. As he sits, MINDY comes in with a cup of coffee and a book and sits down across the restaurant from him. RICK looks up and is startled to see her.

RICK (VO)

Woah. She's back. Alright, take it easy, Rick. Play it cool
for a bit, then start to work your magic.

RICK slouches down in his chair, sprawls his legs out, and arches one eyebrow over at MINDY. MINDY glances up, sees RICK, and looks down quickly.

MINDY (VO)
Aw, no. He's staring again.

MINDY pretends to be absorbed in her book.

RICK (VO)
Okay, good start. Here we go.

RICK looks towards MINDY, hesitates, then coughs twice. MINDY glances up. RICK looks down immediately.

RICK (VO)
Solid. I think that went really well.

MINDY continues to feign deep interest in her book.

RICK (VO)
Okay, get the ball rolling, man. Show some confidence.

RICK deliberately knocks some newspaper onto the floor. He bends down to get it, his eyes never leaving MINDY. As a result, he is unable to see where the newspaper is. He begins pawing the ground frantically for it. MINDY glances up. RICK gives her a look that utterly fails to be smoldering. He picks up the paper and opens it with great nochalance. MINDY lays her head down on the table and desperately pretends to still read her book.

RICK (VO)
She's eating out of your hand. Make your move.

MINDY (VO)
Okay, don't look up anymore. It only encourages him.

MINDY pauses, then looks up one more time to see RICK is now unbuttoning several of the top buttons of his shirt.

MINDY (VO)
Oh, please, no.

RICK (VO)
Okay, be careful here. You don't want to give it all away at once. Even
the world's studliest stud's got to know his.. uh... limitations.

RICK looks over at MINDY to see that she has now covered her head with her arms. She still somehow tries to show interest in her book.

RICK (VO)
Okay, Rick, time to read the body language. I'm pretty sure
she's trying to send me a message.

MINDY (VO)
This is the position campers use to ward off mosquitoes at night.
Please get the picture.

RICK (VO)
C'mon, Rick. Great lovers like Casanova could read a girl
like a book. Every little detail means something. Now focus!

MINDY has now abandoned interest in her book and placed it on the top of her head.

MINDY (VO)
Do not come over here.

RICK (VO)
Go with your gut, Rick. It's time to engage.

RICK stands up, sweeping the chair back with a flourish. The chair falls over. RICK hesitates, then turns around and picks up the chair.

RICK (VO)
I'm off to a rough start.

MINDY (VO)
Please let that be the sound of him leaving.

RICK swaggers over to MINDY's table. He looms over her, suddenly uncertain. MINDY peeks out from under the book to see if the coast is clear. MINDY peeks out from under her book to see if the coast is clear. MINDY stares at RICK. RICK stares at MINDY.

RICK (VO)
Oh, crud. Oh, crud.

MINDY (VO)
Please have something to say. Please do not just stand there.
Please.

RICK (VO)
What are you doing? Have a plan, always have a plan!
A witty first line! An offer to buy her a drink! Something!

MINDY (VO)
This might actually be the most awkward moment of my life.

RICK (VO)
Say something! Anything! Quickly! Don't just stand there
looking hot! Do something!

MINDY (VO)
I wonder if I made a run for it if I'd make it to the door before
he caught me.

RICK (VO)
New plan! Evasive action!

RICK makes a break for the door, knocking over the chair across from MINDY. A second later he sprints back, grabs his jacket, and leaves again. A few moments pass, then RICK reappears, rights the chair, then exits again.

MINDY (VO)
That was the most uncomfortable event I have ever witnessed.
It was like watching a Chihuahua trying to hit on a Great Dane.

EXT. COFFEESHOP - DAY

RICK stands outside, freaking out.

RICK (VO)
What the heck, man? What happened? You had it! It was
there! All systems go! The light was on in her eyes! And you
blew it! Blew it! Struck out looking! You loser! Stupid, stupid,
stupid, stupid, stupid, aw, c'mon! C'mon! You loser!

RICK pauses in frustration, then catches sight of himself in a window. He hesitates, then primps for a second. He smiles and winks at himself in the reflection.

RICK (VO)
Aw, who you kiddin' man? You still got it.