grammy predictions

Grammy Results

Well, this year I did better than last: 51 out of 110, for a total of 46% (for point of reference, random selection would've likely given me an accuracy of 18-19%). This year I got most of the major categories right, too, something I'd completely bombed on the year before (I ended up at 43% in 2008). I feel I could've done better if I'd reworked the rules a little bit. The following standards would've helped out:

1. Whenever it's one female versus four male nominees, always vote for the female. (this one trumps all rules, including the Barack Obama rule)
2. Never go against artists traditionally loved by Grammy voters - B.B. King, Natalie Cole, Mary J. Blige, and anyone named Winans.

The reality is that it's possible to be fairly accurate in the areas that you actually know something about - from the major categories through the end of the Country section, I was 25 out of 43 (58%). Twenty-two categories later, I was 29 of 65 (45%). The sections that killed me were the ones where I knew nothing: Latin, Jazz, New Age, Production. I did random, fun guesses - and went 1 for 19. With everything else, I was solid to excellent.

Mostly, though, I found that the rules worked! The Old Guy rule, the Barack Obama rule, and surprisingly, the Get Drunk and Guess rule, were across the board near-perfect in selecting the winner. I may use these strategy in future for other things - movie rentals, car shopping, choosing friends. Who knows the benefits this system can give?

Frankly, I feel next year I can do even better, come back even stronger. But guessing the Grammys is still a fool's errand - of the 110 categories, I'm really only qualified to guess maybe 30 to 50 with what could be called a valid opinion.

Of course, in categories like the Latin awards, that's half the fun.

Until next year...

Oh! As a final note, I have to say: every year I put my faith in the Grammy voters to get the Gospel section right, and every year I am deeply, painfully disappointed - but this year I found it truly scandalous. That Brandon Heath should have the biggest single in Christian music history and lose Song Of The Year to Kirk Franklin is an embarrassment of epic proportions. The Grammy Foundation should be completely ashamed of itself.

Grammy Predictions #58-110 (I did it!)

Y'know, next year I'm not gonna do one of these. They're not that fun to write, they're not too fun to read, and I don't care about the results. Plus, the Grammy broadcast doesn't show most of the boring categories, so there's no point in picking the lesser known ones since it doesn't make watching the show more fun. All in all, it's a waste of time.

Anyway, I'm gonna try to have as much fun as possible on these last picks. You can do what you want.

Field 12 - Latin

58. Best Latin Pop Album
La Vida... Es Un Ratico ("This Life... It Is A Giant Rat") by Juanes ("Two Guys Named 'John'")

59. Best Latin Rock Or Alternative Album
I love this: Mediocre ("Mediocre") by Ximena Sariñana ("The Fear Of Being Serenaded")

60. Best Latin Urban Album
The Royalty: La Realeza ("The Royalty: No, Really, I Have One!") by Rkm & Ken-y ("We're Not Latin, We're Two Guys From New Jersey With GarageBand")

61. Best Tropical Latin Album
Frutero Moderno ("A Very Modern Fruity Thing") by Gonzalo Grau y La Clave Secreta ("Gonzo the Great and the Clave of Secrets")

62. Best Regional Mexican Album
Desde México: "Cumbia Cusinela" ("Say it in Mexican!: Cum-ba-ya for Cooking") by Huichol Musical ("The Phantom Of The Opera")

63. Best Tejano Album (Is No Tejano Album)
I hate Tejano music.

Well, I gotta pick. Music Lessons ("No Talent Necessary!") by Chente Barrera y Taconazo ("The Cheezy Barrier and his sidekick, the Taconator")

64. Best Norteño Album
Corridos: Defendiendo El Honor ("Come To The Hallway: Sorry, Man, I Shouldn't Have Slept With Your Sister") by Pesado ("The Pessimist")

65. Best Banda Album
Que Bonito... ¡Es Lo Bonito! ("That Lovely Girl... She Is The Only Attractive Person In This Bar!") Banda El Recodo de Cruz Lizárraga ("The Band That Only Records Covers of Songs By The Lizard King")

Okay, maybe next year I'll do the Latin section. That was really fun.

Field 13 - Blues
Oh, good - it's all old guys.

66. Best Traditional Blues Album
Old Guy Of Choice: Johnny Lee Hooker Jr.

67. Best Contemporary Blues Album
Possible Barack Obama Connection: Dr. John And The Lower 911

Field 14 - Folk
Oh good - it's all weird old guys.

68. Best Traditional Folk Album
Old Guy Of Choice: Pete Seeger

69. Best Contemporary Folk/Americana Album
Old Guy Of Choice: Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

70. Best Native American Music Album
White Guilt Vote Of Choice: Spo'Mo'Kin'Nan by Black Lodge

71. Best Hawaiian Music Album
Brother Iz Is Dead Choice: The Spirit of Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar by Daniel Ho, George Kahumoku,Jr., Dennis Kamakahi, Paul Konwiser & Wayne Wong

72. Best Zydeco or Cajun Music Album
Homage Au Passé ("Tribute Albums Are So Over") by Pine Leaf Boys

Field 15 - Reggae

73. Best Reggae Album
Intoxication by Shaggy (He's still making music!) was a strong contender, but how can you go against Let's Get Physical by Elephant Man? One of the best album title/artist name combos I've ever seen.

74. Best Traditional World Music Album
White Guys Getting In Touch With Their Cultural Roots: Ladysmith Black Mambazo

75. Best Contemporary World Music Album:
M.I.A. Was Not Nominated? Who Else Makes World Music?: Global Drum Project by Mickey Hart, Zakir Hussain, Sikiru Adepoju & Giovanni Hidalgo

Field 17 - Polka

76. Best Polka Album
El Maestro Del Acordeón Y Sus Polkas ("A Master Of The Accordian Can Dance My Polka Any Day") by Paulino Bernal ("Vote For Me, I Might Be Related To Gael Garcia Bernal, Who Knows?")

Field 18 - Children's

77. Best Musical Album For Children
Rocker Dudes Should Get Some Votes: Here Come The 123s by They Might Be Giants

78. Best Spoken Word Album For Children
Grammy Voters Love Beautiful People: "Brown Bear And Friends" By Gwyneth Paltrow

Field 19 - Spoken Word

79. Best Spoken Word Album
* An Inconvenient Truth (Al Gore)
Beau Bridges, Cynthia Nixon & Blair Underwood
* Born Standing Up
Steve Martin
* I Am America (And So Can You!)
Stephen Colbert (& Various Artists)
* Life Beyond Measure
Sidney Poitier
* When You Are Engulfed In Flames
David Sedaris

Let's just admit it: this list is kind of a incomprehensible group to make a decision about. You can't even give Al Gore the Liberal Love vote with Colbert, Poitier, and Sedaris in there. I'll give it to Gore anyway, though, because the book has won a Nobel Prize, and it's tough to top that.

Field 20 - Comedy

80. Best Comedy Album
Never Underestimate The Posthumous Choice: George Carlin

Field 21 - Musical Show

81. Best Musical Show Album
I Can't Possibly Vote For "South Pacific": "In The Heights"

Field 22 - Film/TV/Visual Media

82. Best Compilation Soundtrack For a Motion Picture:
Who Doesn't Love Cute Indie Music: Juno Soundtrack

83. Best Score Soundtrack
Only One Of These Is Nominated For The Oscar: Wall-E Soundtrack By Thomas Newman

84. Best Song Written For A Motion Picture or TV
Two Songs From Enchanted Will Split The Vote: "Down To Earth" from Wall-E

Field 23 - Composing/Arranging

85. Best Instrumental Composition
Four No-Names Versus John Williams Choice: John Williams

86. Best Instrumental Arrangement
Seriously, This Is Nominated For An Oscar, Guys: Peter Gabriel's Wall-E Song

87. Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalists
Take 6 Is Still Making Music?: "Grace" by Take 6

Field 24 - Package

88. Best Recording Package
Hawk Nelson Got Nominated? No Way!: Uh... not Hawk Nelson. I'll Pick Metallica.

89. Best Boxed Or Special Limited Edition Package
Art Snobs Everywhere: I'll pick the obsessive Nine Inch Nails

Field 25 - Album Notes

90. Best Album Notes
How Is This A Category?: The Aretha Frankin Box Set seems a safe pick - plus, Barack Obama connection!

Field 26 - Historical

91. Best Historical Album
Apparently, I Can't Vote For "Sgt. Pepper": There's a Howard Taft album called "Debate '08!" I have absolutely no idea what that means.

Field 27 - Production, Non-Classical

92. Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical
Old Guy Of Choice: Al Green

93. Producer Of The Year, Non-Classical
A Barack Obama Connection Isn't Enough?: will.i.am produced a lot of his own records, while Danger Mouse produced three of the best records of the Year: The Black Keys' Attack & Release, Beck's Modern Guilt, and Gnarls Barkley's The Odd Couple (though obviously that last one would also fall under "producing your own records")

94. Best Remixed Recording, Non-Classical
I Want to Hear The Best Classical Remixes! Sigh: Junkie XL's rework of Madonna's "4 Minutes."

Field 28 - Surround Sound
How is this its own field?

95. Best Surround Sound Album
Though Ringo in Surround Sound Doesn't Sound At All Appealing: A record called "Ringo 5.1" by Ringo Starr

Field 29 - Production, Classical

96. Best Engineered Album, Classical
Yo-Yo Ma Was Involved Somehow: Traditions And Transformations: Sounds Of Silk Road Chicago

97. Producer Of The Year, Classical
He Also Found Time To Interview Nixon: David Frost

Field 30 - Classical

98. Best Classical Album
This One Sounded Most Impressive, Even Though It's Misspelled: Weill: Rise And Fall Of The City Of Mahagonny.

99. Best Orchestral Performance
This One Is From That Silk Road Album, So I'll Stick With It: Prokofiev: Scythian Suite, Op. 20

100. Best Opera Recording
It's Nominated Again: Weill: Rise And Fall Of The City of Mahagonny.

101. Best Choral Performance
Who Knew Kansas City Had a Great Orchestra?: Rheinberger: Sacred Choral Works

102. Best Instrumental Soloist Performance
Who The Heck Is "L'Orchestre De La Suisse Romande"?: Saint-Saëns: Piano Concertos 2 & 5

103. Best Instrumental Soloist Performance
I Don't Know Any Of These Names: "Red Cliff Capriccio," Wei Li

104. Best Chamber Music Performance
This One Sounded Kinda Hardcore: Right Through The Bone - Julius Röntgen Chamber Music

105. Best Small Ensemble Performance
There's No Way This Title Makes Sense, There's Three Colons And A Semicolon: Tan Dun: Pipa Concerto; Hayashi: Viola Concerto; Takemitsu: Nostalgia

I can't even figure out what to italicize.

106. Best Classical Vocal Performance
This Sounds Weirder Than Cate Blanchett Playing Dylan in I Am There: Corigliano: Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems Of Bob Dylan

107. Best Classical Contemporary Composition
And Again!: Mr. Tambourine Man: Seven Poems Of Bob Dylan

108. Best Classical Crossover Album
When Did This Cross Over? And Where Did It Cross Over To?: Baroque by Gabriela Motero

Field 31 - Music Video
I get to go out with a bang!

109. Best Short Form Music Video: "Pork And Beans" by Weezer was one of my all-time favorites, though it'll probably go to Radiohead, just because.

110. Best Long Form Music Video
Peter Bogdanovich Is A God, and Also - The Old Guy Vote: Runnin' Down A Dream, by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers.

Oh, man. I made it. I really made it. I'm done. I finished.

I am not doing this again next year. That took forever.

Congrats if you made it this far. Let me know if you did!

Grammy Picks: #30-110 (actually, #57)

Alright, this time I'm making it all the way through, no matter how badly it goes. I will cut any corner I need to in order to get this done. I will make up any information necessary. I will combine several categories together. I will find a way.

The rules, remember, are this:

A. When it doubt, pick the old guy.
B. When you don’t know which one is the old guy, pick the one who you think is the old guy.
C. When that’s not entirely clear, pick the one with the funniest name.
D. When none of the names are funny, drink until one of the names becomes funny.
E. If that doesn’t work, pick the band you would most like to be in.
F. If you wouldn’t want to be in any of the bands, chose which band you despise so much by virtue of their band name that you would want to see them become the house band in Hell.
G. And finally, if all else fails, pick the band that most reminds you of the world’s greatest band, Bananarama.

Plus, I added a couple rules as it went:

H. No song with unnecessary numbers in it can win a category.
I. No songs with "U" instead of "you" anywhere in them.
J. No one will be selected who has unnecessary "z"s in his name.
K. Vote for any song that can even be tangentially connected with Barack Obama.

However, I felt after writing the first 30, I felt the system needed a minor reboot, so I'm moving K ahead of A, and adding a new rule. It now looks like this:

1A. Above all, vote for any song that can be even tangentially connected with Barack Obama.
2A. At the beginning of every field, you must create a universal voting rule for that field.

3A. After that rule, then you vote for the old guy.

All the rules are the same after that.

Field 7 - Rap New Rule: Vote For Lil Wayne whenever possible.

31. Best Rap Solo Performance
Lil Wayne is nominated for a song called "A Milli"

32. Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group
Okay, since this is rap and everyone is always "featuring" each other: Lil Wayne is nominated twice, Jay-Z is nominated twice, Kanye West is nominated twice, and T.I. is nominated twice. I'm gonna pick the song where all of them are nominated together, a song called "Swagga Like Us."

33. Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
Lil Wayne is nominated for "Got Money" featuring T-Pain.

34. Best Rap Song
Lil Wayne is nominated - twice - for "Lollipop" and "Swagga Like Us." Hmm... Well, I'm gonna pick "Lollipop," because I would like to see Wayne get the win for every single song on Tha Carter III. That would have to be some kind of record, right?

35. Best Rap Album
Lil Wayne is nominated for "Tha Carter III."

Wow, that rule took me through this whole category. I need more rules like that one.

Field 8 - Country

Hmm... I don't know much about country, except that pretty much no one new ever comes in, and no one ever leaves. So I'm guessing that I can say that -

New Rule: Carrie Underwood will win all the female awards, Brad Paisley will win all the men's awards, and Rascal Flatts will win all the group awards.

Unless...

New Rule: There's some fresh-face star I haven't heard about, and he's nominated for a bunch of stuff, and he get selected instead.

Unless...

New Rule: If some old rocker gets nominated in a country category even though it's clearly an inappropriate nomination, I will vote for that old rocker any time.

Alright, now we're ready to start:

36. Best Female Country Vocal Performance
And... Carrie Underwood is nominated!

37. Best Male Country Vocal Performance
And... Brad Paisley is nominated! No, wait, who's this James Otto guy? I've never heard of him. He must be amazing if he got nominated in this category - Best Male Country Vocal Performance is a good ol' boys' club and no mistake. I'm picking this guy.

38. Best Country Performances By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
And... Rascal Flatts is nominated! No, wait, who's Lady Antebellum? Isn't she (or, I dunno, they?) nominated for Best New Artist? I'm picking her. Or, um, them.

39. Best Country Collaboration With Vocals
And... Robert Plant & Alison Krauss' "Killing The Blues" is finally nominated! It's not even really remotely country, but who cares?

These rules are working out fantastic.

40. Best Country Instrumental Performance
Hmm... Béla Fleck is nominated again, so I might - oh, wait, Brad Paisley is nominated! But wait, there's a song about America and Katrina! That supercedes the rule, because Barack Obama is going to rebuild New Orleans from that flood that George Bush sent to destroy it.

Taking a poll: how soon before there's a crisis of some kind - a hurricane or a shooting or someone runs over a puppy or something - and we see artwork like the kind where it's a painting of the disaster, and there's an overlaid picture of Jesus, and there's a single tear running down his face, only instead of Jesus, it's Obama? I give it a year and half on the outside.

41. Best Country Song
Huh. No Underwood, Paisley, or Flatts, and so it's all guesswork. We're gonna have to go to rule 3A - The Old Guy. George Strait it is, with "I Saw God Today." Actually, that might actually apply to rule 1A, too.

42. Best Country Album
Well, still no Underwood, Paisley, or Flatts, so back to The Old Guy - George Strait!

I'm actually not sure if George Strait is that old, but he's named "George," so he should be.

43. Best Bluegrass Album
There's a record here called "Cherryholmes III: Don't Believe," and that will win if I ever get to Rule D, so let's just move on

Field 9 - New Age
New Rule: If I recognize any of the names, I will
automatically vote for that person.


44. Best New Age Album
Well, I don't have any idea who any of these people are, so I'm gonna pick the album called "The Scent Of Light." Cause if I get to Rule D, that's gonna be funny.

Field 10 - Jazz
New Rule: Uh... same rule as last time, I guess.

45. Best Contemporary Jazz Album
John McLaughlin. That sounds really familiar. I'll go for that guy. Though I'm probably just confusing him with, I dunno, Sarah McLachlan.

46. Best Jazz Vocal Album
Hmm... both Cassandra Wilson and Kate McGarry sound familiar. Isn't Kate McGarry related to someone else famous? I dunno. Let's go with... Wilson.

47. Best Jazz Instrumental Solo
Hmm... There's two songs named "Be-Bop." I don't know what that means. I'm gonna go with a song called "Son of Thirteen" by Pat Methany. Because none of the rules apply.

48. Best Jazz Instrumental Album
Hmm.. That Pat Methany dude (or, girl, I guess) is nominated again, so let's go with that.

49. Best Large Jazz Ensemble Album
* Appearing Nightly - Carla Bley and Her Remarkable Big Band
* Act Your Age - Gordon Goodwin's Big Phat Band
* Symphonica - Joe Lovano With WDR Big Band & Rundfunk Orchestra
* Blauklang - Vince Mendoza
* Monday Night Live At The Village Vanguard - The Vanguard Jazz Orchestra

Huh... I have no concept at all. Let's take a drink.

....

nothing.

...

nothing.

....

heh. "Blauklang."

50. Best Latin Jazz Album
Hey, there's a band called "Papo Vásquez The Mighty Pirates!" Cool!

Field 11 - Gospel

A category I know!

New Rule: If you don't think they should win it, then they don't.

51. Best Gospel Performance
* I Understand - Kim Burrell, Rance Allen, Bebe Winans, & Mariah Carey
* East To West - Casting Crowns
* Get Up - Mary Mary
* Shall We Gather At The River - Take 6
* Waging War - CeCe Winans

Well, the voters have no idea what they're doing, so it's almost a lock that a song with both Bebe Winans and Mariah Carey will win out, but I'm gonna show a little faith in them. I'm gonna pick Casting Crowns. Prove me right, Grammys!

52. Best Gospel Song
Brandon Heath got nominated for "Give Me Your Eyes." If Brandon does not win this award so that they can give it to Fred Hammond or Kirk Franklin again, I am gonna tear some head off. This one should be a slam-dunk victory.

53. Best Rock Or Rap Gospel Album
Let's honest: the voters have no idea what they're doing. They're gonna give this to TobyMac, or worse, Superchic[k]. The winner should be Sanctus Real, with After Edmund as a runner up. And how great is it that After Edmund got nominated? That's the little band that could. I'm very happy to see them make it this far.

54. Best Pop/Contemporary Gospel Album
Crud... Chris Tomlin and Brandon Heath are both nominated here - there are two separate TWUMC alumni up for this award! Amazing. I'm gonna say that Chris will win it, because he always does, but I'm feeling good that Brandon's got a very healthy chance here.

55. Best Southern, Country, Or Bluegrass Gospel Album
I dunno. Bart Millard is nominated, which is nice, but his album is called "Hymned Again," which is incredibly lame. If someone sees Bart around, smack him for me. So, let's pick the Gaither Vocal Band! They never win anything, right? They're due.

56. Best Traditional Gospel Album
The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir vs. The Blind Boys of Alabama vs. a bunch of people I haven't heard of. I'll choose the Blind Boys of Alabama. Those guys are cool.

57. Best Contemporary R&B Gospel Album
Sigh, all the normal people are nominated - Kirk Franklin, Mary Mary, and so on - and I guess I'll pick Mary Mary.

And... it's time for bed. Come on! How long can it take to go through one Grammy list?

See you tomorrow.

2009 Grammy Predictions

I remembered that last year I did my Grammy predictions and it took me, I think, five days. This year, I’m starting on Tuesday and finishing on Tuesday. How am I doing it so quickly? It’s simple: a complete lack of research. I am not looking anything up, ever, for any purpose. After all, historically, a lot of problems have been solved by lack of information. For example, Sadaam Hussein is no longer in charge of Iraq. And it made picking Best New Artist in 1990 easy, because it was generally agreed that those boys in Milli Vanilli could really sing.

Now, this will be difficult. As many people can attest to, I cannot in fact do anything without stopping to Google something.

Heh heh. Googling.

Now, normally, it’s my goal to get as close as humanly possible to getting everything right, but this year, it’s my goal to get you to read this entire thing. Even the Zydeco part. And I will succeed. You will love me!

To reach this goal, I will be obeying the following rules:

A. When it doubt, pick the old guy.
B. When you don’t know which one is the old guy, pick the one who you think is the old guy.
C. When that’s not entirely clear, pick the one with the funniest name.
D. When none of the names are funny, drink until one of the names becomes funny.
E. If that doesn’t work, pick the band you would most like to be in.
F. If you wouldn’t want to be in any of the bands, chose which band you despise so much by virtue of their band name that you would want to see them become the house band in Hell.
G. And finally, if all else fails, pick the band that most reminds you of the world’s greatest band, Bananarama.

Oh, by the way, I totally know you're not going to read all of this. There are 110 categories to get through. Nobody's gonna get that far.

Still, a big prize goes to the reader who gets the farthest! Here we go!

1. Record of the Year
* Chasing Pavements - Adele
* Viva La Vida – Coldplay
* Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis
* Paper Planes – M.I.A.
* Please Read The Letter – Robert Plant & Alison Krauss

Hmm… well, I’m torn between “Bleeding Love” and “Viva La Vida” (the latter being a big personal favorite), and “Paper Planes” was a pretty big hit - the first hit world music has had since... ever... so, I’m gonna go with the old guy. Robert Plant it is.

2. Album Of The Year
* Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends - Coldplay
* Tha Carter III - Lil Wayne
* Year Of The Gentleman - Ne-Yo
* Raising Sand - Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
* In Rainbows - Radiohead

Oh, Lil Wayne. So talented. So consistent. So accessible to the casual listener. So beloved by critics eager to prove their street cred. So unlikely to win this award. Robert Plant it is.

3. Song Of The Year
* American Boy - Estelle Feat. Kanye West
* Chasing Pavements - Adele
* I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
* Love Song - Sara Bareilles
* Viva La Vida - Coldplay

Can anyone explain to me what the difference is between 'Song of the Year' and 'Record Of The Year?' If you're nominated for 'Song Of The Year' but not 'Record Of The Year,' does that mean that everyone like the song, but they just didn't want you singing it? And who would ever say that to Jason Mraz? Have you ever heard anyone besides Mraz sing one of his songs? It's painful. This just seems like a really depressing award.

Did I talk about this last year, too? I don't remember. I'll check.

...no, wait, no I won't. Crap-piss.

Anyway, I gotta figure Coldplay gets some 'we were rejected earlier so everyone could pour some more adulation on Robert Plant but now we feel really guilty about ignoring this really excellent song' love here.

4. Best New Artist
* Adele
* Duffy
* Jonas Brothers
* Lady Antebellum
* Jazmine Sullivan

Boy, Duffy and Adele have to be pissed, right? They're pretty much cancelling each other out here. It doesn't matter, though, because probably everyone will vote for the Jonas Brothers so they don't look stupid in five years if the Jonas Brothers are the biggest band in the world (though, aren't they kind of already?). Once Rolling Stone got on board, it was all over.

Field 1 - Pop

5. Best Female Pop Vocal Performance
* Chasing Pavements - Adele
* Love Song - Sara Bareilles
* Mercy - Duffy
* That Was Me - Paul McCartney

... hang on.

Oh, I misclicked. Okay:

* Bleeding Love - Leona Lewis
* I Kissed A Girl - Katy Perry
* So What - Pink

Hmm... I'm in doubt. Let's look at the rules. There's no old guy here (did you catch that McCartney isn't actually in this group? Maybe I should go up and erase that), and nobody who I think might be an old guy. Step C is out because nothing's funny, so I'll take a drink and see if something becomes funny. I'm thinking "Pink" might.

...hmm.

Nope. Alright, step E. Whose band would I most like to be in? I'm gonna say Duffy's. She's got soul, with a real pop sensibility. Plus she's from Wales. Pink and Leona Lewis seem kind of high-maintenance, Adele is just like Duffy except not as cool, I'm not that wild about Sara Bareilles, and Katy Perry, who's on Warped Tour right now, seems like the sort of person who plays jokes on band members while they're sleeping involving buckets of water or shaving cream (admit it: you just smacked your forehead and yelled "oh, totally!" right then). So I pick Duffy to win this one.

6. Male Pop Vocal Performance
* All Summer Long - Kid Rock
* Say - John Mayer
* That Was Me - Paul McCartney
* I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
* Closer - Ne-Yo
* Wichita Lineman - James Taylor

Uh-oh. Three old guys. Let's eliminate Kid Rock right off the bat, assume that "Say" is too boring (it is), figure no song named "Wichita Lineman" can win (though, this being a covers record, maybe it already has), then pick Paul McCartney over the two remaining deserving guys because this is the Grammys, after all.

7. Pop Performance By a Duo Or Group With Vocals
* Viva La Vida - Coldplay
* Waiting In The Weeds - Eagles
* Going On - Gnarls Barkley
* Won't Go Home Without You - Maroon 5
* Apologize - OneRepublic

I know there's an old guy, but there's not enough doubt to start going to the system. This one is Coldplay's all the way.

8. Pop Collaboration With Vocals
Ahh, now here's a category where the old guy always wins.

* Lesson Learned - Alicia Keys & John Mayer
* 4 Minuters - Madonna, Justin Timberlake & Timbaland
* Rich Woman - Robert Plant & Alison Krauss
* If I Never See Your Face Again - Rihanna & Maroon 5
* No Air - Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown

Hey, look, an old guy!

Can anyone tell me why every song off Raising Sand is nominated except the best one, "Killing The Blues?" I'm getting annoyed.

9. Best Pop Instrumental Performance
* Steve Cropper & Felix Cavaliere
* I Dreamed There Was No War - Eagles
* Fortune Teller - Fourplay
* Steppin' Out - Stanley Jordan
* Blast - Marcus Miller

Hey! The Eagles! Playing a song about there not being war! Musicians don't rally behind this sort of stuff, do they? Hang on, wait, I'm getting something. It's hazy, but... wait...

"We are the world... we are the people... mmm, yeah!"

Oh, right.

You have to wonder if the Eagles wrote the song just to win this category.

10. Best Pop Instrumental Album
* Sax For Stax - Gerald Albright
* Greatest Hits Rerecorded Vol. One - Larry Carlton
* Jingle All The Way - Béla Fleck & The Flecktones
* The Spice Of Life - Earl Klugh
* A Night Before Christmas - Syro Gyra

I want to say it's gonna go to Fleck, because he's due, but "Sax For Stax" made me giggle, so I'm going with that one. It sounds like a song recorded for a really bad porno.

Kind of a gross one, actually. I'm going back to Fleck.

Let me drop in a little side-note here: Grammy predictions are hard. People really don't know who's going to win what. With the Oscars, there are dozens of lead-in award shows that pretty much tell you who's going to win what, but with the Grammys, you're going entirely off your knowledge of past Grammy voting (which is a problematic voting record if there ever was one) and who you feel most passionately should win Best Jazz Record Recorded Underwater. And then remember that all the people actually voting are probably just as ill-informed as you.

Though they're probably more informed than me, because they get to Google.

11. Best Pop Vocal Album
* Detours - Sheryl Crow
* Rockferry - Duffy
* Long Road Out Of Eden - Eagles
* Spirit - Leona Lewis
* Covers - James Taylor

Crap! Two old guys and an established, talented star people feel a kinship with! Plus two artists already honored in the bigger categories! I'm gonna have to go with The Eagles, because there are four old guys in the band, as opposed to Taylor, who'se just one old dude by himself.

Field 2 - Dance

12. Best Dance Recording
* Harder Better Faster Stronger - Daft Punk
* Ready For The Floor - Hot Chip
* Just Dance - Lady Gaga & Colby O'donis
* Give It 2 Me - Madonna
* Disturbia - Rihanna
* Black & Gold - Sam Sparro

Well, Madonna is old, but her song is named "Give It 2 Me," so I'm gonna add a new rule:

H. No song with unnecessary numbers in it can win a category.

I'm gonna go with Daft Punk, because they might be old dudes under those helmets. You never know.

13. Best Electronic/Dance Album
* New York City - Brazilian Girls
* Alive 2007 - Daft Punk
* Bring Ya To The Brink - Cyndi Lauper
* X - Kylie Minogue
* Last Night - Moby
* Robyn - Robyn

Man, this is tough. Well, I'm not gonna pick the Cyndi Lauper album because, um, just the thought of ever listening to a Cyndi Lauper album named "Bring Ya To The Brink" makes me break out in hives. So that leaves sort-of old guys Moby and Kylie Minogue and possible old guys Daft Punk. It's time to go to rule D.

...mmm. Cheap vodka. So warm and burn-y.

....

hmm... one more....

....

Heh heh. "Punk."

Field 3 - Traditional Pop.
I don't know what this title means. Was this here last year? Let me... aw, dammit.

14. Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album
* Still Unforgettable - Natalie Cole
* The Sinatra Project - Michael Feinstein
* Noël - Josh Groban
* In The Swing Of Christmas - Barry Manilow
* Rufus Does Judy At Carnegie Hall - Rufus Wainwright

Aww, an old guy (Manilow), two people who only sing songs by old guys (Cole and Groban), and two artists singing songs by famous old guys that they love - like Jamie Foxx, this one is breakin' all the rules!

Yes, it's sad I didn't have to look up that reference.

Alright, rules A and B don't apply, and neither does C, so we're back to Rule D. Here we go.

Ahh... it burns.

....

Heh heh. "Rufus Does Judy."

....

It's funny because he's gay.

Field 4 - Rock

15. Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance
* Gravity - John Mayer
* I Saw Her Standing There - Paul McCartney
* Girls In Their Summer Clothes - Bruce Springsteen
* Rise - Eddie Vedder
* No Hidden Path - Neil Yong

Wait... "I Saw Her Standing There" is nominated? Wasn't that nominated before, like.. forty-five years ago? Let me che... chrissake!

I think "Gravity" was nominated before, too, though there's no way to be sure.

So, three old guys, one aging guy, and one guy who's not old but who's (probably) been nominated for this very song before. So, rules A, B, and C are out. Here we go.

....

....

Okay, rule D is out. On to Rule E. And this one is easy: who wouldn't want to be in the E Street Band? They look like they're always having fun. And, without even trying, you'd be the cool one automatically. How crazy is that?

16. Best Rock performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
* Rock N Roll Train
* Violet Hill - Coldplay
* Long Road Out Of Eden- Eagles
* Sex On Fire - Kings Of Leon
* House Of Cards

Well, if we get to Rule D, I think I know what'll win. Still there's two old groups here, one of whom unfortunately won't stop wearing shorts. So I'm going with the Eagles instead.

17. Best Hard Rock Performance
* Inside The Fire - Disturbed
* Visions - Judas Priest
* Wax Simulacra - The Mars Volta
* Saints Of Los Angeles - Motley Crüe
* Lords Of Salem - Rob Zombie

Hmm. Did you know that Jethro Tull won this one year? It was... um... some time ago. Also, didn't Disturbed used to be spelled "Disturbd," or am I confusing them with every other crummy late 90's nü-rockers?

I don't want to drink until "Wax Simulacra" gets funny, so I'm just gonna pick Motley Crue - sorry, I was getting tired of typing umlauts - and move on.

18. Best Metal Performance
* Heroes Of Our Time - DragonForce
* Nostradamus - Judas Priest
* My Apocalypse - Metallica
* Under My Thumb - Ministry
* Psychosocial - Slipnot

Doesn't this list sound like what would happen if you just told a guy "hey, no one has time to do any research on the Metal category this year. Make up five album titles and two or three bands, and then just throw some familiar names in there to throw people off the scent." I mean, can there really be a band called DragonForce?

I pick Metallica because they're old and respected, as opposed to Judas Priest, who's only one for two.

19. Best Rock Instrumental Performance
* Castellorizon - David Gilmour
* Suicide & Redemption - Metallica
* 34 Ghosts I-IV - Nine Inch Nails
* Hope (Live For The Art Of Peace) - Rush
* Peaches En Regalia - Zappa Plays Zappa Featuring Steve Vai & Napoleon Murphy Brock

Well, if I made it to category C, I know who would win, but I'm gonna stick with David Gilmour because he's the ultimate category A selection.

I've now been doing this for an hour and I'm only up to 19. Holy crap.

20. Best Rock Song
* Girls In Their Sumer Clothes - Bruce Springsteen
* House Of Cards - (a lot of people) and Thom York
* I Will Possess Your Heart - Death Cab For Cutie
* Sex On Fire - Kings Of Leon
* Violet Hill - Coldplay

Hmm... Well, there's an old guy, so I guess I'll have to ignore Coldplay here.

21. Best Rock Album
* Viva La Vida Or Death And All His Friends - Coldplay
* Rock N Roll Jesus - Kid Rock
* Only By The Night - Kings Of Leon
* Death Magnetic - Metallica
* Consolers Of The Lonely - The Raconteurs

But here I don't have to! Coldplay'll win here.

Field 5 - Alternative

22. Best Alternative Music Album
* Modern Guilt - Beck
* Narrow Stairs - Death Cab For Cutie
* The Odd Couple - Gnarls Barkley
* Evil Urges - My Morning Jacket
* In Rainbows - Radiohead

Man... indie cred all over the place. We gotta go with ultimate in credibility, though, 'cause Radiohead's nominated.

Wow... that was a quick field.

Field 6 - R&B

23. Best Female R&B Performance
* Me, Myself And I - Beyoncé
* Heaven Sent - Keyshia Cole
* Spotlight - Jennifer Hudson
* Superwoman - Alicia Keys
* Need U Bad - Jazmine Sullivan

Well, I'm gonna leave "Need U Bad" out, according to Rule I:

I. No songs with "U" instead of "you" anywhere in them.

So instead I'll pick Wonder Woman over Superwoman in this case.

...that's Beyoncé, in case you've missed out on the casting rumors.

Oh! That reminds me: remember in 1999, when George Lucas was working on casting Anakin for Episode II, and there were all these rumors that it was gonna be Leonardo DiCaprio? And the whole fan base was up in arms since it was such a terrible choice and he was just a pretty boy and a lousy actor and we all hated him and Kate Winslet and Kathy Bates and everything connected with Titanic? Think hard about that moment.

Have you ever wanted to go back in time and take back your emotions?

24. Best Male R&B Vocal Performance
* You're The Only One - Eric Benét
* Take You Down - Chris Brown
* Miss Independent - Ne-Yo
* Can't Help But Wait - Trey Songz
* Here I Stand - Usher

Well, Ne-Yo was nominated for much bigger awards earlier, so he's gotta be the winner here, right? Also, new rule:

J. No one will be selected who has unnecessary "z"s in his name.

Glad we got that taken care of.

25. Best R&B Performance By A Duo Or Group With Vocals
* Ribbon In The Sky - Boyz II Men
* Words - Anthony David Featuring India.Arie
* Stay With Me (By The Sea) - Al Green Featuring John Legend
* I'm His Only Woman - Jennifer Hudson Featuring Fantasia
* Never Give You Up - Raphael Saadiq Featuring Stevie Wonder & CJ Hilton

Woah. Al Green. Case closed.

Okay, now it's been an hour and a half. This is getting ridiculous.

26. Best Traditional R&B Vocal Performance
* A Change Is Gonna Come - Wayne Brady
* You've Got The Love I Need - Al Green Featuring Anthony Hamilton
* Baby I Know - (Linda Jones) With Helen Bruner & Terry Jones
* Love That Girl - Raphael Saadiq
* In Love With Another Man - Jazmine Sullivan

Okay, there's a big question here - bigger even than ' how did Wayne Brady get nominated for a Grammy?' It's 'why is (Linda Jones) in parentheses?' Is is an affectation, like how we never knew how to type Prince's name after he turned himself into a symbol? Or is Linda Jones imaginary, and the song is nominated on the basis of what the RIAA think it would sound like if Linda Jones had sung it? All interesting questions.

But all moot because classic old guy Al Green has another song dueting with a young guy, always a sure winner. This seems to be Al's big comeback record, like the first Santana record where he had all the duets. Except I've never heard of this album, so maybe not.

27. Best Urban Alternative Performance
* Say Goodbye To Love - Kenna
* Wanna Be - Maiysha
* Be Ok - Chrisette Michele Featuring will.i.am
* Many Moons - Janelle Monae
* Lovin You (Music) - Wayna Featuring Kokayi

And we have our first category where I only recognize one name! I don't know anything about this category, but I'm assuming most voters don't either. So I imagine their though process probably goes like this:

Huh... I don't know any of these names... hey, will.i.am! That guy sure is popular right now because of that song about Barack Obama. Wait, is that him or Wyclef Jean? I can't tell the difference. I think it's him, though.

Hey, wait! If I vote for the song with will.i.am, that's kind of like casting another vote for Obama, right? And if he wins, maybe he'll get on the stage and congratulate all of us for getting Obama elected! "Yes we did!" he'll shout. And we'll all clap for a really long time. And maybe the camera will get a shot of me clapping. Oh, I'm definitely voting for that song.

And scene. Rule K:

K. Vote for any song that can even be tangentially connected with Barack Obama.

Really, that should become Rule A.

28. Best R&B Song
* Bust Your Windows - Salaam Remi and Jazmine Sullivan
* Customer - Raheem DeVaughn
* Heaven Sent - Keyshia Cole
* Miss Independent - Ne-Yo
* Spotlight - Jennifer Hudson

I don't think it is, but I like to imagine that Ne-Yo is covering Kelly Clarkson's "Miss Independent" here. Miss guarded-heart, Miss play-it-smart, Miss If-you-wanna-use-that-line-you-better-not-start, no. Either way, I'm voting for him.

29. Best R&B Album
* Love & Live - Eric Benét
* Motown: A Journey Through Hitsville USA - Boyz II Men
* Lay It Down - Al Green
* Jennifer Hudson - Jennifer Hudson
* The Way I See It - Raphael Saadiq

Well, now that I've added an unnecessary "z" rule, I can't vote for Boyz II Men (though, to be fair, they should probably be grandfathered in). But either way, I'm voting for Al Green. The old guy rule holds.

30. Best Contemporary R&B Alum
* Growing Pains - Mary J. Blige
* Back Of My Lac' - J. Holiday
* First Love - Karina
* Year Of The Gentleman - Ne-Yo
* Fearless - Jazmine Sullivan

I'm picking Ne-Yo, of course, which is a good thing, because if we got to Rule D, would certainly have picked "Back Of My Lac'," hands down one of the stupidest titles I've ever seen, and in strong competition for dumbest title of the year (we haven't gotten to the Ragtime section yet, so I'll hold off here).

Well, I've finished 30 out of 110 titles, using the voting system left me woozy and prone to poor decisionmaking in the mid-teens, and I'm about to hit the Rap section. I'm going to bed. It looks like this is gonna be another year where I'm inventing predictions all the way up to the actual broadcast. Yeesh.

Tune in tomorrow for more.

Grammy Predictions 2008

When the Grammys roll up the carpet on Sunday, they’ll have given away 110 awards in 32 categories. And y’know, I could just predict the categories I know something about: Album of the Year, Alternative Music Album, Rock Song, etc. But I’m going for it all this year. I’m going for everything. Ironically, I’m betting I won’t get Record of the Year but will randomly win Reggae Album and Instrumental Flamenco Record. You never know.

For the record, I’m predicting a success rate of 40%. I’m also predicting I don’t finish this post in time for the start of the Grammys. This is a lot of typing, and I hate half these bands anyway. I wanted to put all the nominees in, but there’s not room for that. If you want to look them up, click here and follow along.

But be honest, you’re just going to skim through anyway. I’ll post a results post at the end of the Grammys for comparison.

General Field

1. Record Of The Year – I know it won’t win, but between Beyonce, Rihanna, and Amy Winehouse, none of them gave me singles I wanted to hear more than once, and the Foo Fighters didn’t give me a single I could remember. Weird as it is, I’m voting for Justin Timberlake. But I’m picking Rihanna. Is that allowed?

2. Album of the Year – Between Winehouse, Kanye, and a pack of no-chancers, I’m picking Kanye. Not every time. But this time. No one’s giving an Album of the Year to Herbie Hancock.

3. Song of the Year – “Hey There Delilah” was boring, “Like A Star” was too thin, and that leaves me with three songs I don’t like. I’ll pick “Before He Cheats” over “Umbrella,” and try not to watch this part of the ceremony.

4. Best New Artist – Feist deserves it, Taylor Swift could use the recognition, but Winehouse wins it. Boo.

Field One - Pop

5. Female Pop Vocal Performance – I can’t pick Winehouse again, so I pick Feist’s “1234.” It’s a dynamite song that you’re able to listen to more than once; I swear to God, I don’t know why that isn’t the merit on which you judge this category. For Chrissake, Fergie could win this category, but Feist won’t because the song was an iPod commercial. That’s right, Fergie, who sang about her “London, London bridge wanna go down.” Her “London Bridge, by the way, is a metaphor for, uh, y’know – y;know, let’s just leave that there. Let me post the intro to “London Bridge” really quick:

Oh shit (oh shit)
Oh shit (oh shit)
Oh shit (oh shit)

Are you ready for this?
Oh shit (oh shit)
Ohhhhh
It’s me, Fergie
The Pimp!
Paulo!
Fergie Ferg, what's up, baby?

We’re thinking of giving this girl “Female Pop Vocal of the Year.” Stew on that for a little while.

6. Male Pop Vocal Performance – Timberlake wins this one going away. Speaking of Timberlake, you know that Pepsi Super Bowl commercial where Timberlake’s getting thrown all over the city slamming into things? That’s not Timberlake’s voice. That’s my friend Justin Ladd’s voice, he did the temp vocal and the producers liked it better than the final version that Timberlake did. True story.

7. Best Group Pop Performance – Have you ever tried voting against U2? I’m trying it here. I pick Daughtry’s “Home,” though I think Maroon 5 should win for “Makes Me Wonder.” But either way, I still feel that I was gutsy going against U2 right there. I deserve some kudos, or a respectful nod of appreciation.

8. Best Pop Collaboration – The choices: a washed up rock god (Robert Plant) and folk darling (Alison Krauss), a debonaire old-school swinger (Tony Bennett) and trashy-turned-classy diva (Christina Aguilera), a classic pop star/hip-hop hookup (Gwen Stefani and Akon), Timbaland plus a coupla A-listers (Timberlake and Nelly Furtado), and a maelstrom of booty-shaking (Beyonce and Shakira). I pick the only song from here I actually liked: Stefani’s “Sweet Escape.”

9. Best Pop Instrumental Performance – Beastie Boys, Ben Harper, Dave Koz, Joni Mitchell, and someone named Spyro Gyra. I don’t know any of these songs. I’ll pick the Joni Mitchell song because voters like classy, battered old rockers.

10. Best Pop Instrumental Album – God, I don’t know. Dave Koz. Whoever.

11. Best Pop Vocal Album – I don’t think Winehouse can be beat. Wish I could give it to Feist or Maroon 5, though. Of course, an under-nominated Paul McCartney could snag this on name recognition alone.

Oh my God, we’re only on Field 2 – Dance

12. Best Dance Recording – I’m gonna pick Mika, ‘cause I think Rihanna and JT will split the vote. I don’t really, of course, but I’d rather pick Mika and be wrong than put my money on Timberlake and feel foolish for overvaluing him, something I thought would never be a problem for me.

13. Best Electronica/Dance Album – LCD Soundsystem. I heard it was good.

Field 3 – Traditional Pop

14. Best Traditional Pop Vocal Album Call Me Irresponsible, Michael Bublé. Because I’m not voting for Queen Latifah, now or ever.

Field 4 – Rock

15. Solo Rock Vocal Performance – Just because I can’t, I can’t, I can’t pick “Our Country,” I’m picking Bruce Springsteen and “Radio Nowhere.”

16. Best Group Rock Performance – Easy one. “Icky Thump,” The White Stripes. Let the record show that I picked against U2 again.

17. Best Hard Rock Performance – “The Pretender” by Foo Fighters. It’s nominated for Record of the Year, it’ll win here.

18. Best Metal Performance – I’m an As I Lay Dying fan, and I think they’ll win here. No, I don’t, I think Slayer will win, but I hope people won’t be voting on name alone. In case all those closet Slayer fans/Grammy voters turn out, I just want to state that it shouldn’t be this way.

19. Best Rock Instrumental Performance – I don’t know and I don’t care. I pick Springsteen.

20. Best Rock Song – I pick Springsteen again. I’m telling you, the voters love this guy. He's gonna go far.

21. Best Rock Album - I… can’t pick Springsteen three times in a row. I pick Foo Fighters. Why not.

Alright, Field 5 – Alternative. I’m taking a break.

22. Best Alternative Music Album – I’m back, and I feel great. I’m ready to take on the rest of this list. And see, this is the best category in the event, every one of these artists deserve this. Arcade Fire, the Shins, Lily Allen, all criminally under-represented this year, plus critical favorites White Stripes and Bjork. This is a great category and lots to root for. I’m rooting for Arcade Fire.

Field 6 – R&B

23. Best Female R&B Vocal Performance – I dunno this one. Mary J. Blige, Jill Scott, and Alicia Keys are all voter favorites, and I don’t know. I pick Keys, this time, though Blige dominated so much last time I’m sure I’ll look foolish. Ah, well, I think Keys is due.

24. Best Male R&B Vocal Performance - Tough call. It should be Ne-Yo, but Prince has name recognition, especially after last year's Super Bowl. I gotta go with the weird little man here.

25. Best Group R&B Performance – The best song here is T-Pain and Akon’s “Bartender,” and I think it should win, but Rihanna and Blige aren’t going to get votes in other places and so they’ll get votes here. I say they split those votes and people go for “Bartender,” but I also bet that I’ll be eating those words. No, I definitely will, I’m changing my vote to Rihanna’s “Hate That I Love You.”

26. Best Traditional R&B Vocal Performance – No idea. I mean, no idea. I’m picking “All Night Long,” by Randy Crawford and Joe Sample, figuring that two people getting votes is better than just one person, and so that should maybe double their chances. I’m clearly stretching at this point.

27. Best Urban/Alternative Performance – See, I don’t even know what this category means. All my energy from before is gone. I’m picking “Daydreamin’” by Lupe Fiasco and Jill Scott, since I’ve heard of both artists and have no idea who Vikter Duplaix or Meshell Ndegeocello are. Frankly, I don’t think any voters will, either, so I figure “Daydreamin’” has this one locked up.

28. Best R&B song – Uh, between India.Arie, Alicia Keys, and Rihanna, I’m going with… Keys. I think “No One” is the best song in this category because it’s the only song in this category that I’ve actually heard.

29. Best R&B Album – No one’s voting for an album called Funk This, everyone’s voting for an album called The Real Thing. It’s gotta be Jill Scott.

30. Best Contemporary R&B Album – I think Akon gets robbed here, but it’s got to be Ne-Yo. Dark horse is little-known critical fav Emily King.

Field 7 – Rap - Twenty-five fields to go…

31. Best Rap Solo Performance – Kanye cleans up this year, and it starts here. “Stronger” is the clear winner.

32. Best Group Rap Performance – Kanye’s nominated twice, so that splits the vote, and voters love Common. I think Fat Joe’s “Make It Rain” should be the winner here, but Shop Boyz’s “Party Like A Rock Star” should snag some votes too. But then, I can’t see people going against Common and Kanye, but then, I can’t see them going against Kanye and Nas, either. And then UGK will get sympathy votes because they just lost a member… geez. No, I’ve decided: UGK featuring Outkast, “Int’l Players Anthem.” Voters love Outkast, too.

33. Best Rap/Sung Collaboration – Does an under-represented Chris Brown win here? Or Kanye continuing domination? I doubt it, because “Umbrella” is nominated, and it’s tough to go against in a smaller category when it’s also up for larger categories. I think it takes home the prize here, even with Kanye in the mix.

34. Best Rap Song – Two Kanye songs, and they split the vote, which means 50 Cent and JT wins with “Ayo Technology,” even though it’s an awfully dumb name for a song. Even for rap music. Though there is a Soulja Boy song listed, which lets us see that Soulja Boy’s last name is “Tell’Em.” Incredibly, his legal name is “Soulja Boy Tell’Em.” No word yet on whether that’s a legal change or an overly enthusiastic hip-hop fan of a mother. And people wonder why it was so hard for the hip-hop community to gain respect with Grammy voters.

35. Best Rap Album – Kanye wins here, easy, no question. Next.

Field 8 – Country – Oh good, another category I don’t know anything about.

36. Best Female Country Vocal Performance – “Before He Cheats” was a wild crossover success and no one, repeat, no one is voting any other way.

37. Best Male Country Vocal Performance – I have no idea, there’s five established artists here and they all deserve it. Or don’t deserve it. I don’t know anything about any of the songs. I should really take country’s pulse more often if I’m supposed to write a piece like this. I pick… Tim McGraw. I don’t know why.

38. Best Group Country Performance – No idea. I pick Montgomery Gentry. No, Emerson Drive. I don’t care. I’m probably not winning this one, but 38 categories in, I’m just swinging away at this point.

39. Best Country Collaboration – Willie Nelson’s “Lost Highway.” Because I live in Texas now, and it’s not allowable to vote against Willie Nelson in any situation.

40. Best Country Instrumental Performance – Brad Paisley. Only name I know. Next.

41. Best Country Song – Uh, “Before He Cheats,” again, though I think it’s a tougher battle here than before because country is a male-dominated industry. If it loses, that’s as clear a sign as any that things will never, ever change on that front.

42. Best Country Album 5th Gear, Brad Paisley. I don’t feel great about this one, but I think it’s got a chance. You’ll note Underwood, and indeed, no female at all, is nominated here, as always. Shocker.

43. Best Bluegrass Album – Really, I’m supposed to have a good guess about this one? I pick Jim Lauderdale’s The Bluegrass Diaries, just because I can’t find it in my heart to vote for album’s called Scenechronized, Double Banjo Bluegrass Spectacular, or Lefty’s Old Guitar. And I really, really can’t get myself to vote for Cherryholmes’ Cherryholmes II: Black And White. Even for bluegrass artists, these guys have no self-respect, you know that?

Field 9 – New Age. Really, I can’t believe this is still a category. Who’s still making New Age music?

44. Best New Age Album – Kitaro’s Sacred Journey of Ku-Kai, Volume 3. Because if you can have a name as silly as that and still be nominated, you absolutely deserve to win. This is an award, by the way, that will not be handed out in prime-time.

Field 10 – Jazz. Hey, now we’re movin’!

45. Best Contemporary Jazz Album – Herbie Hancock wins, hands down, with River: The Joni Letters. No question. It’s nominated for Album of the Year, so it’s winning here. That’s how it works.

46. Best Jazz Vocal Album – Patti Austin’s Avant Gershwin. Do I need a reason? ‘Cause there’s no way I’m coming up with one. I wasn’t voting for Red Earth – A Malian Journey, that’s for sure.

47. Best Jazz Instrumental Solo – Herbie Hancock, “Both Sides Now.” Because, you know what? It’s a good song. Both now and when Joni sang it 30 years ago. Though Hancock doing it makes it a whole new ball game, it’s like Johnny Cash doing “Hurt.” It’s that good.

48. Best Jazz Instrumental Album – Michael Brecker’s Pilgrimage. Because in the choice between that and Joe Lovano doing Kids: Live At Dizzy’s Club Coca-Cola, who are you picking? Damn right.

49. Best Large Jazz Ensemble Album – Terence Blanchard’s A Tale of God’s Will (A Requiem For Katrina). If you know nothing about jazz, which album do you check off? You check off the one about Katrina. Everyone does. Sorry, Maria Schneider Orchestra, I’m sure you were very good, but nobody listens to large jazz ensembles anymore, but they do watch the news, and so you have no chance this year.

50. Best Latin Jazz Album – How the hell am I supposed to know? I pick the serious-sounding name here, and that’s Refugee by Hector Martignon. I can’t vote for an album named Funk Tango, especially if it’s made by a band named Paquito D’Rivera Quintet?, since no one should ever name their band and end the name with a question mark. It is not cute. It is annoying, so give it up.

Field 11 – Gospel. Oh my gosh, I’ve still got 21 fields to go. At least, here’s one field that I know.

51. Best Gospel Performance – Now, keep in mind, Casting Crowns should win, they absolutely should. But do you know who’s nominated in this category? Aretha Franklin with Mary J. Blige. Good luck, Casting Crowns, but you have no chance in hell. Hopefully a critical darling and gospel mainstay won’t do a collaboration next time you’re nominated.

52. Best Gospel Song – Now Casting Crowns can win the consolation prize, since nobody big is nominated here and they’re the only holdovers from last round. Glad you get to go home with something, guys.

53. Best Rock or Rap Gospel Album – Incredibly, there are two rap albums nominated, including one by a guy named Da’ T.R.U.T.H. Let’s be honest, that guy’s not winning. The other rap group is the moderately talented hip-hip supergroup The Cross Movement for their album HIStory: Our Place In His Story, which is one of the worst titles I have ever seen in Christian Music history. I gotta figure Skillet wins on moderate name recognition, though props to them for nominating Ashley Cleveland. She never gets recognized for anything.

54. Best Pop/Contemporary Gospel Album – It’s all about name recognition, and so even though Casting Crowns will get votes just for being nominated in the other two categories, I think Michael W. Smith wins again. The sad fact is that just by getting nominated, he gets the win. That’s how Grammy voting works. dc Talk once won for a promotional EP they put out that had ONE dc Talk song on it. That’s how little people are paying attention.

55. Best Southern, Country, Or Bluegrass Gospel Album I’ll Fly Away: Country Hymns & Songs Of Faith, should win – Ed Cash produced it, after all, but I think Ricky Skaggs wins on name alone.

56. Best Traditional Gospel Album – I pick Smokie Norful. I always did like that name. The Clark Sisters will actually probably win, though.

57. Best Contemporary R&B Gospel Album – Got me. I say Fred Hammond, and I give you exactly no evidence to back that up. There’s a Winans nominated, so that’s possibly a bad bet on my part.

Field 12 – Latin. Okay, I need another break. This next part is all in Spanish.

58. Best Latin Pop Album – There’s an album here named “Papito.” Papito! What a fun name for an album. I believe it means “little father.” I’m going to vote for 12 Segundos De Oscuridad, which means “12 Seconds Of Obscurity,” I think, and avoid voting for Navidades Luis Miguel, which means either “Navigating Luis Miguel” or “Christmas-y Luis Miguel,” as well as Dicen Que El Tiempo (‘You Guys Are Talking To The Time”) and El Tren De Los Momentos (“The Train of These Moments”). Tough decisions all around.

59. Best Latin Rock or Alternative Album – I could vote for No Hay Espacio (“No, I’m Not Special”) or Adelantando (“We Were Adulating”). But there’s a band called Panda with an album called Amantes Sunt Amentes (“Amanda Without Amendments”) and Rabanes’ Kamikaze (“Kamikaze”). But who could not chose to vote for Zoé’s Memo Rex Commander Y El Corazón Atómico De La Via Láctea? Who? It translates out to, roughly, “The Memo of the Commander King and The Atomic Heart of the Lactating Life,” which is what I would have titled my first album, given the chance. Eff you and your unoriginal album, Zoé.

60. Best Latin Urban Album – This one’s actually easy, because our old “Gasolina” friend, Daddy Yankee, is nominated for El Cartel: The Big Boss. Which is a shame, because I wanted to vote for Vacaneria! (“A Restaurant For Cows”) which is sure to be overlooked.

61. Best Tropical Latin Album – Not many of these are any fun. They’re all named United We Swing or Greetings From Havana. I am, of course, immediately drawn to La Llave De Mi Corazón (“The Lava Of My Heart”), but my vote goes with Arroz Con Habichuela (“Rice That Lives With Us”). I’m sure it’s a dynamite record.

62. Best Mexican/Mexican-American Album – But how will we know which album is which unless we have a national ID? This is why these awards are so important, they help us work out these issues. I pick Pepe Aguilar’s 100% Mexicano, because what album better fits this category, and none of them have funny names.

63. Best Tejano Album – There’s an artist here named Sunny Sauceda, who wrote an album called Vagar Libremente (“Liberty For the Vagabond Lifestyle”). Case closed.

64. Best Norteño Album – How is this a category? Who knows what kind of music this is? How are thousands of Grammy voters who don’t listen to this sort of music, or know what it is, to make an intellectual choice between Los Tigres Del Norte (The Tigers of the North) and Los Rieleros Del Norte (The Realists of The North)? And yet, how can they not vote for Conjunto Primavera (The First Conjugation) with their album El Amor Que Nunca Fue (“The Love That Never Was”)? I certainly couldn’t resist.

65. Best Banda Album – All those die-hard banda fans out there may get mad, but I’m definitely picking Valentin Elizalde’s Lobo Domesticado (“The Domesticated Head”), though Conquistando Corazones (“Hearts That Are Also Conquistadors”) and “Entre Copas Y Botellas” (“Enter, You Cups And Bottles”) gave me pause.

Field 13 – Blues, and it’s getting late and I’m tired.

66. Best Traditional Blues Album – You know who’s still making music? Kenny Wayne Shepherd. Really. I’m voting for him.

67. Best Contemporary Blues Album – Eric Clapton is nominated. And we’re done.

Field 14 – Folk, and I’m going to bed before I have to do this one, because it includes zydeco music, and I just can’t face zydeco music right now.

68. Best Traditional Folk Album – Peter Case has an album named Let Us Now Praise Sleepy John. Bada-bing.

69. Best Contemporary Folk/American Album – See, all of sudden, we’ve got a race. Mary Chapin Carpenter, Steve Earle, Patty Griffin, and Tom Waits are all nominated. I think Tom Waits has aged better than any, so I’m voting for him here.

70. Best Native American Music Album – Black Lodge has an album called Watch This Dancer! and the exclamation point is not mine. How many unnecessary exclamation points have I voted for so far? Is anyone keeping a tally?

71. Best Hawaiian Music Album – My knowledge of Hawaiian music begins with Brother Iz and ends with “Lilo and Stitch,” so I’m not sure who to vote for here, but there is an album called Ka Hikina O Ka Hau (“The Coming Of The Snow”), which is a wonderful title for a Hawaiian album. Much better than Hawaiiana.

72. Best Zydeco or Cajun Music Album – Okay, only 5 nominees are allowed in all other categories, so why are 7 nominees allowed here? Are there so many deserving albums here that they couldn’t possibly be nominated? Then how the heck did Arcade Fire only get nominated once? I almost don’t want to chose anything at all in protest, but I’ll pick La Cowboy Creole. Sullenly.

Field 15 – Reggae. I hope there’s someone named Marley, or else I'm not getting this category.

73. Best Reggae Album – Burning Spear put out an album, and a guy nicknamed “Scratch” put out an album called “The End of the American Dream,” which sure sounds like a winner, but – hey! – there’s a guy with the last name of Marley in this group! The choice is made for me.

Field 16 – World Music, or Music Not Good Enough to Go In Another Category.

74. Best Traditional World Music Album – There’s a When The Soul Is Settled: Music Of Iraq album and an album about HIV/AIDS in Uganda (one would assume they came out against it). Anti-war… AIDS in Africa. AIDS in Africa… Anti-war. Tough call. I go with AIDS.

75. Best Contemporary World Music Album – Did you know Loreena McKennitt was still making records? Me neither. She gets the award just because I’m so impressed she’s still around.

Field 17 – Polka. Ah, back on familiar ground.

76. Best Polka Album – Four out of five albums have the word “polka” in their title. I’m going with the one that doesn’t, called Come Share The Wine, which does not sound like a polka album at all, which frankly might be why it wins.

Field 18 – Children’s

77. Best Musical Album for Children – Hey, the Muppets have an album! Obviously I’m voting for that, even if there is an album two guys named “Buck Howdy With BB.”

78. Best Spoken Word Album For Children – Jim Dale, the voice of the Harry Potter books, is back for the last time on Deathly Hallows, and so I think he takes the prize here, even though both Meryl Streep and Toni Morrison are nominated. Seriously, what’s Meryl Streep doing in this category? How many awards can one person win?

Field 19 – Spoken Word. Wait, we just did spoken word last category. What happened?

79. Best Spoken Word Album – Okay, this one is impossible. Maya Angelou, Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Jimmy Carter, and Alan Alda? I gotta figure the Democrats split the vote and everyone else goes Angelou. Okay, so Angelou's a Democrat, too, but not, y'know, a real one.

Field 20 – Comedy. If he’s here, I’m NOT voting for Dane Cook.

80. Best Comedy Album – Wow, this one turned out to be easy. George Lopez had an album named America’s Mexican, so the competition was obviously not steep. Flight Of The Conchords are nominated, and it’s a lock.

Field 21 – Musical Show. I know nothing about Broadway this year, so this is rough.

81. Best Musical Show Album – How are both “A Chorus Line” and “West Side Story” nominated here? This whole category makes no sense. Sondheim’s nominated in for a show I’ve never heard of, but both “Spring Awakening” and “Grey Gardens” are nominated as well. I’ve always liked Duncan Sheik, so I’m voting for “Spring Awakening.”

Field 22 – Film/TV/Visual Media, and I have to get this one right.

82. Best Compilation Soundtrack Album – It should, absolutely, positively be Once, and I’m afraid that it’ll be The Beatles’ Love. However, Across The Universe should split the Beatles vote, and Once breaks through for the win. No, wait, I take it back, there's no way Across The Universe will steal enough of the vote, people doing Beatle interpretations never beat actual Beatles. Love wins this one.

83. Best Score Soundtrack – You remember what soundtrack won the Oscar last year? It was Babel. You know what’s nominated this year? The soundtrack to Babel. Wow, this one was easy. The presence of Michael Giacchino and the Ratatouille soundtrack gives me pause, though.

84. Best Song Written For Motion Picture/TV/Visual Media – Tough call here. There’s a track from Once, Eddie Vedder’s theme for Into The Wild, and Chris Cornell’s Casino Royale theme. I gotta go with… hmm… the song from Once. That one’s gonna come back to bite me.

Field 23 – Composing/Arranging. Oh good, another field I do not feel good about.

85. Best Instrumental Composition - Béla Fleck’s nominated here, and so is Harry Connick, Jr., but I think Philip Glass’s criminally overlooked score to Notes On A Scandal should get the nod.

86. Best Instrumental Arrangement – Hey, Harry Connick’s nominated again! The man deserves some love. As Angela Kinsey would point out, “he’s so talented.”

87. Best Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalists – I thought this would mean that any song with great arrangment, but – look, here’s Queen Latifah again! So I guess not. Ella Fitzgerald is nominated somehow, so I’m voting for her.

Field 24 – Package. See, this is what the Grammys are hiding down here at the bottom of the list, a category that has nothing to do with music. I guarantee they won’t announce this one aloud.

88. Best Recording Package – I haven’t seen all the art on these, so I’m voting for Bright Eyes here, cause I saw his and loved it. We’re now an hour away from the beginning of the show, and I haven’t finished the writing or started bolding or italicizing. I don’t think I’m gonna make it. I was gonna go back and edit this and punch up the writing, but, I guess my first crappy pass will have to do.

89, Boxed or Special Limited Edition Package – Same sort of deal, I’ll have to vote for the only one I saw, which is My Chemical Romance’s The Black Parade.

Field 25 – Album Notes. Seriously, we don’t have any standards at all anymore?

90. Best Album Notes – Magician Ricky Jay is randomly nominated here, for Ricky Jay Plays Poker, which is either a teaching CD or a really boring documentary, but him being nominated is impressive enough that I’ll give him the nod here.

Field 26 – Historical. I don’t even know what this category means.

91. Best Historical Album – All of these are compilations from older eras except for one Woodie Guthrie live show, so I’ll vote for that, with the possible dark horse being the collection from the 1890’s.

Field 27 – Production, Non-Classical. Yet another category that I don’t have any ideas what its title means.

92. Best Engineered Album, Non-Classical – Bela Fleck is nominated again, so I’m voting that way, which is a pity because there’s an album called Don’t Mess With The Dragon on this last.

93. Producer of the Year, Non-Classical – Hey, a section I feel I might have a chance at! Except I’ve got no idea who to vote for here. Mark Ronson made his own album plus Lily Allen’s and three Amy Winehouse records, but Timbaland a number of different hit songs, Mike Elizondo did both Rilo Kiley and Maroon 5, Joe Chiccarelli did that great Shins album, and Howard Benson, who did Daughtry, The Starting Line, and Relient K this year, and really probably deserves some recognition. I gotta figure that Timbaland is the favorite, and I’m leaning toward Ronson in a lot of ways, but I’m gonna pick Chiccarelli, who did full albums, which voters should, I think, lean towards.

94. Best Remixed Recording, Non-Classical – I don’t know any of these remixes, so I’m gonna pick the Delerium song, since that’s not some producer throwing down tracks 30 years later, it’s them adding a quality singer to their own song years later. Remember that great Sarah McLachlan-Delerium record? I bet it’s like that.

Field 28 – Surround Sound. How is this a category? How?

95. Best Surround Sound Album – There’s a classical album, which seems it should be the favorite, and the Flaming Lips are here and I’d like to vote for them, but the Beatles are nominated, too. It’s hard to vote against the Beatles. Half of them are dead, you know.

Field 29 – Production, Classical. Is there possibly a reason why this isn’t right after “Production, Classical?” “Surround Sound” had to go there?

96. Best Engineered Album, Classical – When the New York Philharmonic is nominated, you don’t vote for the Dallas Wind or the Kansas City Chorale. These categories are getting easier.

97. Producer of the Year, Classical – Two of the nominees from last category are here, and they’re both made by alleged superproducer Blanton Alspaugh. Good for you, Blanton.

Field 30 – Classical. Almost there.

98. Best Classical Album – I’m hurrying now, I’m just skimming the categories. The great Blanton Alspaugh has an album here, so you know where I’m going here.

99. Best Orchestral Performance – The category is supposedly awarded to the conductor and the orchestra. When one of them wins, do they have everyone up on stage? It seems like that would be a drag on the show. Anyway, I’m rushing, so I’m picking an album called “Shostakovich: The Golden Age,” since I don’t have any idea what that means.

100. Best Opera Recording – Please, please can I vote for “Humperdink: Hansel & Gretel?” Please? Alright, I’ll vote safe and go with Verdi’s “La Traviata.”

101. Best Choral Performance – I just want to be done. I’ll vote for the Kansas City Chorale album. Let’s go.

102. Best Instrumental Soloist Performance (With Orchestra) – I don’t recognize the artists, so I’ll pick the violinist who played Barber, Korngold, and Walton, whoever they are.

103. Best Instrumental Soloist Performance (Without Orchestra) – I don’t have any idea who these people are. And they’re all playing the piano. I’m picking Solo Piazzolla because it sounds like “Pizza For One.”

104. Best Chamber Music Performance – Please, please let this be done. I pick the album called Strange Imaginary Animals. This thing is just about to start, I gotta get this done.

105. Best Small Ensemble Perforamnce – I’m picking Mahler: Das Lied Von Der Erde (“Mahler: He’s Slept With All The Help!”) and we're moving on.

106. Best Classical Vocal Performance – That Homage: The Age Of The Diva album is nominated again, so I’m going that way.

107. Best Classical Contemporary Composition – I wanted to go Higdon: Zaka, because, duh, but Made In America is nominated again so I’ll be going that way.

108. Best Classical Crossover Album - If they think this is a real category, they’re fooling themselves. I’ll pick Brian Setzer, the only musician to successfully survive the death of the swing craze.

Field 31 – Music Video. The final category and one that I know! I could still do this!

109. Best Short Form Music Video – "Typical" from Mute Math is nominated, and it’s all shot backwards, so I’m voting that way, but both Johnny Cash and Feist are nominated, so there’s not much chance. Who cares, when you're under the gun, you gotta go with your gut.

110. Best Long Form Music VideoTrapped In The Closet is nominated! Who cares what else is nominated? Man, what a way to go out! What a great category this is.

Well, that finishes it. A minute and thirty seconds until this show starts, and I'm done.