Pro Bowl Voting

I voted on the Pro Bowl today, which I'd never done before. It was a disappointing experience.

I appreciate that the NFL trusts their voters enough to have them select starters from every position, but I say this as a fairly substantial football fan: I have no idea who to select in most of the categories. Quarterback, wide receiver, running back, tight end - sure. Cornerback, strong safety, free safety, punt returner - maybe. But that's only 8 of 19 categories. The vast majority of NFL fans are in no way capable of making intelligent selections on these categories, yet they will vote anyway. They will vote for either their team's players, or they will vote for names they recognize, which is part of why certain "name" players continue to return to the Pro Bowl year after year, despite ineffective play.

It makes you appreciate the strategy of players like Joey Porter - it's smart to be mouthy, because it means that fans will remember you when it comes time to vote.

I thought I'd walk you through my Pro Bowl ballot, both to highlight the players I'm rooting will be recognized this year, and to open my ballot up to the harsh daylight of the Internet. But mostly, I want to you understand: I am an NFL fan. I play a lot of fantasy football. I watch all of the games that I can, regardless who's playing, and I notice things like who made which block where, and all of those details. And yet this is my ballot:

Quarterback

AFC - Tom Brady (Patriots), Peyton Manning (Colts), and Matt Schaub (Texans)

Everyone already knows Brady and Manning are locks for the Bowl this year, but did you know Schaub already has over 2600 yards and has 17 touchdowns (not counting tonight)? Apologies to Ben Roethlisberger and Philip Rivers, who have similar stats but have had bigger downsides this year.

NFC - Drew Brees (Saints), Aaron Rodgers (Packers), and Brett Favre (Vikings)

Ugh. I hate doing it, but I have to admit - not only is Favre having a very good season, he's also having possibly the finest season of his long career. He's got nearly 2500 yards at a 70 percent completion rate, with 21 touchdowns and only 3(!) interceptions, which is mind-blowing when you consider what a gunslinger he's historically been. What's worse: if the season ended today, he would be a near-unanimous choice for MVP. Just awful to think about.

Running Back

AFC - Chris Johnson (Titans), Maurice Jones-Drew (Jaguars), and Cedric Benson (Bengals)

If I had my way, Cedric Benson would win the MVP trophy this year. Also, did you know Chris Johnson is within reach of a 2,000 yard season? He'd have to rush for 130 yards a game from here on out, which isn't crazy when you consider he's averaging over 120 right now. Apologies to Ray Rice, who may finish as a top-5 RB.

NFC - Adrian Peterson (Vikings), Steven Jackson (Rams), and DeAngelo Williams (Panthers)

Steven Jackson is currently number two in rushing yards this year (1,031), ahead of everyone but Johnson, even the much-ballyhooed Adrian Peterson - and all this behind one of the worst offensive lines in the league. I would bet that if you asked most NFL fans where Jackson ranked on the rushing charts, they would estimate somewhere from 8th to 10th. This is just another of many reasons why it sucks to be a St. Louis Ram.

Wide Receiver

AFC - Reggie Wayne (Colts), Randy Moss (Patriots), Wes Welker (Patriots), Andre Johnson (Texans)

It's not homerism as a Patriots or Texans fan - Moss and Welker are both top-5 in receiving yards this season, as are both Johnson and Wayne. The only NFC member? Go ahead, guess which one of these it is:

NFC - Larry Fitzgerald (Cardinals), Steve Smith (Giants), Sidney Rice (Vikings), Roddy White (Falcons)

Give up? It's Sidney Rice. No kidding. Also, my selection of White was just personal preference - Chad Ochocinco (Bengals) and Desean Jackson (Eagles) would also be acceptable selections.

Tight End

AFC - Dallas Clark (Colts) and Antonio Gates (Chargers)

NFC - Vernon Davis (49ers) and Tony Gonzalez (Falcons)

Clark and Gates are clear selections for their receiving yards, and Davis has more receiving touchdowns than any other player except Larry Fitzgerald. Gonzalez? Just having his standard excellent season - he's not significantly better than Brent Celek, who has almost identical stats and on less targets

Alright, now it gets tricky. Keep in mind, up to this point, I have recognized every single player on the ballot and know what kind of year they're having, good or bad. My vote was an extremely intelligent, well-reasoned ballot, though I'm certain you could argue against some of my picks if you wanted. But they were all smart, well-chose votes. Now, look at what happens here:

Center

AFC - only recognized one player: the Colts' Jeff Saturday. Didn't vote.

NFC - didn't recognize anyone.Didn't vote.

Tackles

AFC - picked Damien Woody (Jets), Duane Brown (Texans), and Matt Light (Patriots).

I'm actually not sure if I remember Woody and Brown because they're good at their jobs or terrible at them, but either way, I recognized them. Light is obviously a stud, though I think he's been hurt all year. He also might be old now. The only other name I recognized was Michael Oher, about whom the new Sandra Bullock film, The Blind Side, is the life story of (Bullock, unfortunately, does not play Oher). Oher is having a bad year, which is very bad timing for both him and the movie (not that anyone who's going to go see a feel-good movie starring Bullock is going to care). He'll probably be voted into the Pro Bowl anyway.

NFC - Only recognized a few names, such as washed-up former star Orlando Pace, so the only name I vote for was the Panther's Jeff Otah.

Guards

Didn't really recognize anyone. Moved on.

Fullbacks

AFC - Vonta Leach (Texans)

NFC - Leonard Weaver (Eagles)

Only recognized four or five player, but picked Leach and Weaver since I know they're extremely involved in their teams' gameplans.

Strong Safety

AFC - Brandon Merriweather (Patriots)

Troy Palomalu (Steelers) will obviously win this one, though he's been hurt for so much of the year he really shouldn't. I toyed with the idea of selecting Bernard Pollard (Texans), who is having a great season, but couldn't because... well, you know.

NFC - Adrian Brown (Cardinals)

The only name I really recognized, since he's had a few high-profile interceptions.

Cornerbacks

AFC - Darrelle Revis (Jets), Nnamdi Asomugha (Raiders), Brandon Flowers (Chiefs)

This one I was sort of qualified to vote on, but mostly because Revis and Asomugha have been so top-notch that football fans know them right off. By the way, you have to be impressed with the way Asomugha has worked to try and make "Nnamdi Asomugha" the world's most unlikely household name.

NFC - Asante Samuel (Eagles), Charles Woodson (Packers), DeAngello Hall (Chiefs)

I'm mostly assuming they're having good seasons based off their reputations.

Defensive Ends

AFC - Robert Mathis (Colts), Dwight Freeney (Colts), Mario Williams (Texans)

I recognized probably half-a-dozen guys, including one or two I knew were having bad years.

NFC - Will Smith (Saints), Trent Cole (Eagles), Jared Allen (Vikings)

Would I have remembered Will Smith, who already has 8.5 sacks this year, if his name didn't make announcers make lame hip-hop jokes whenever he makes a good play? Probably not.

Defensive Tackles

AFC - I picked Shaun Cody, because he's a Texan, Vince Wilfork, because he's a Patriot, and Tank Johnson, not because he's a Bengal, but because he has a great name.

NFC - Sedrick Ellis (Saints) and both members of the Vikings' "Williams Wall," Pat and Kevin Williams.

Free Safety

AFC - Only recognized a couple names, but Ed Reed (Ravens) was an easy selection (though I considered the Steeler's Ryan Clark, too)

NFC - Darren Sharper (Saints) is having a monster season, which is good, because I didn't recognize hardly anyone else.

Inside Linebackers

AFC - Jerod Mayo (Patriots), Ray Lewis (Ravens).

And this is why it's smart to be mouthy like Lewis - people know who you are and vote for you. He'll be making the Pro Bowl until he's 50.

NFC - Patrick Willis (49ers), A.J. Hawk (Packers)

Only recognized three or four names, and wasn't totally sure I knew if these guys are having good years or not.

Outside Linebackers

AFC - Elvis Dumervil (Broncos), James Harrison (Steelers), Terrell Suggs (Ravens)

You've got to feel bad for Dumervil - even though he's leading the league in sacks, he's listed as an outside linebacker in some places and a defensive end in others, so no one knows where to go to vote for him. And then, his name is misspelled on the ballot! He's listed as "Elivs."

NFC - Danny Clark (New York Giants), DeMarcus Ware (Cowboys), Lance Briggs (Bears)

Hey, the Bears are actually gonna be able to send someone to the Pro Bowl! Also, I only recognized four names.

Kick Returners

AFC - Joshua Cribbs (Browns)

You've got to feel for the Browns - their best player is their kick returner. Not nominated, by the way: Ted Ginn, Jr., who set an NFL record by returning two kicks for a touchdown in a single game. Strange.

NFC - DeSean Jackson (Eagles)

One of the most exciting receivers in the game is also one its best kick returners.

Kickers

AFC - Stephen Gostkowski (Patriots)

NFC - Lawrence Tynes (Giants)

I play fantasy football, so I knew that these guys were playing well, though I couldn't give you any stats.

Punters

AFC - Chris Hanson (Patriots)

NFC - Jeff Feagles (Eagles)

Only two names I recognized.

Special Teams

AFC - Joshua Cribbs (Browns) - in case he doesn't make it as a kick returner

NFC - Desmond Bishop (Packers) - though I don't know why.

And that'll do it. How sad was that?

Here's what I think: NFL fans should only be allowed to vote for certain positions - quarterback, running back, wide receiver, tight end, cornerback, strong safety, free safety, kicker, and kick returner.

All other starting positions will be voted on by a select crowd of football reporters, but the fan gets to vote for which reporters are given that position. Wouldn't that be fun?

I Can Solve Your Quarterbacking Problem, Sure.

You might've noticed: there's some bad quarterbacking going on in the NFL today. Some really bad quarterbacking. And it's reached the point where the announcers are fully willing to call them out for it; not just for bad plays, but for being terrible quarterbacks, which is unusual in an announcing booth - anyone who's ever seen a game where Brett Favre is playing knows that. All across American, people are turning on JaMarcus Russell, Tony Romo, Jason Campbell - and bizarrely, embracing astoundingly mediocre quarterbacks like Kyle Orton. It's a terribly confusing situation, but fortunately, I've solved part of the problem:

Moustaches.

Seriously. Quarterbacks are supposed to be leaders, supposed to be guys that you can trust, guys teammates look up to. And yet you see half a dozen quarterbacks in the league rocking some truly terrifyingly bad moustaches and playing some truly terrifyingly bad games. Nobody trusts a guy with a moustache. He makes a play call, and his receivers don't hit their routes - they're not taking advice from a man in a moustache. And the offensive line isn't gonna hold up - how hard are you gonna block guys to keep them away from a man with a moustache?  I thought so.

These players aren't seeing the same patterns I am - the key to saving their careers is but a razor blade away.

Consider a man whose career plummeted away from its early promise. Want to see why?

Jake Plummer (2005)

Yeah, that's right. That's an epically bad moustache.

Here's the crazy thing: on the year that Plummer grew this moustache, he had probably the best season of his career - went 13-3 as a starter, threw 18 touchdowns and only 7 picks, and averaged 210 yards a game with a quarterback rating over 90. Those are solid figures right there, the sort of season dozens of teams would want from their starting QB.

After the next season, Plummer was out of the league. These things are not unrelated.

Now, consider these examples from this season.

Jason Campbell

This one's a no brainer. Campbell's spent his whole career struggling to show "leadership," his coaches and owner constantly undermine him, and - despite the fact that he (famously) never throws interceptions - team management decided not to bring Byron Leftwich because they were worried he was going to take over the locker room. Really, when team management is worried that Byron Leftwich is going to show more leadership than you, it's time to make a change.

Side note: this may not be totally Campbells' fault - he does play for an organization that last week brought in a bingo caller to revitalize the offense. You could not make that stuff up.

Kyle Orton (Part 1)

Alright, I couldn't find a picture of Orton with just the moustache, but I did find a couple with the full beard. What Orton does is that he starts every season clean shaven and then lets it go until he's got sort of a half-beard/moustache thing, and then he eventually gets to quasi-beard status. At the same time, his skills slowly decline until he's no longer recognizable as a quarterback.

Let's take a look at the current Orton.

Kyle Orton (Part 2)

See, that man looks like a real quarterback. And he's sort of playing like one, the Broncos are undefeated, and we're seeing debates about whether Orton is a great quarterback or not. It's all a mirage. As the moustache comes in, these debates will disappear.

Matt Hasselbeck (2005)

The Seattle Seahawks still blame their Superbowl defeat on the bad officiating, but I know the truth. It was Matt Hasselbeck's "Playoff Moustache."

It should also be noted that since this point, Hasselbeck's career has never been the same.

Aaron Rodgers (2008)

Rodgers is not having a great season. His Packers are 2-2 and he lost to Brett Favre on Monday Night Football in the most-watched event in cable television history. Yet even though he held the ball too long and got sacked 8 times in that game, the announcers never called him out on it, and you know why?

Because he shaved off the moustache.

Now, you might say, "lots of successful quarterbacks had giant moustaches." And it's true. Look at this guy:

Joe Namath

Alright, now that's a man. But that was a different time. It was the 70's. It was loose, relaxed. You could trust a man in a moustache.

You see, the issue is not moustaches. The issue is that a team needs to look at a quarterback and see a guy who you they'd take a bullet to protect. It's the NFL - people get hit so hard they never walk again. You can't have a quarterback who looks like...

JaMarcus Russell

This is a man who wears a ski cap on the sidelines regardless of the weather. It was 85 degrees in Houston last week, and after every series, Russell put the hat on.

In a related note, Oakland lost 29-6 and Russell went 12-for-33 for 128 yards. Yikes.

Tony Romo

He's having trouble getting in sync with his receivers. Is that shocking to you? I mean, if you were a wide receiver in the NFL, would you look at this guy and say "yeah, I'm gonna do what that guy says"?

Turn your hat around, Tony. It's 2009. It's time.

Carson Palmer

And everyone wonders why he's having so much trouble getting his career back on track.

Oh, Carson. I don't even have words.

And finally, the biggest problem of all...

Jay Cutler

Here's the only moustache exception I'm willing to allow.

Because Jay... you've got to do something. Oh, man. I wouldn't let that guy lead me out of a paper bag.