transformers

The 19th Best Movie I Saw In Theaters This Year

(FADE IN)

Shia LaBeouf is bored with life after his adventures with the Transformers. There seems to be no excitement now that Megatron is defeated and his body sunk to the bottom of the ocean. He and Megan Fox have split since their time together, though they both still have feelings for each other. However, a new pack of Decepticons arrive on Earth to see why the planet has yet to be conquered. They resurrect Megatron (not with magic this time, but with their new, advanced evil-robot technology) and begin to wreak havoc on the planet. There are lots of explosions and robo-fights in crowded cities, where buildings can crumble and highway overpasses cinematically destroyed. In the meantime, Megatron vows revenge on those who defeated him, and captures Megan Fox. He demands the surrender of the Autobots. Instead, using their advanced robo-intuition – combined with a little pluck from Shia LaBeouf - the Autobots and LaBeouf launch a plan to rescue Fox from Megatron.  Hungry for excitement, LaBeouf insists on coming – which only leads to him almost being captured himself. In a desperate bid to save him, one of the other Autobots is killed, but the group is able to get away safely. LaBeouf is distraught, but rallies when he discovers that Fox has learned the plans for where the Decepticons plan to attack next. Unfortunately, it turns out the plans were a trap set by the Decepticons, who let Fox get away. The Autobots try to ambush the Decepticons at this location (ideally, New York City, London, or D.C.), but instead are ambushed themselves. Much robo-fighting ensues. The day is only saved when LaBeouf and Fox sneak over to the other side and destroy some important piece of equipment that affects how the Decipticons robo-fight or robo-communicate or something. The days is saved and all the new Decepticons introduced in this movie are destroyed, though Megatron and his original Decepticons escape and vow to fight again, probably in 2011 when the next movie comes out. Content with the easy life and a lack of adventure, LaBeouf and Fox get back together while all the Autobots robo-applaud.

 

(FADE TO BLACK)

Transformers and Schindler's List

Watch Transformers in theaters or not at all. Loads of fun, but the silliest thing I have ever seen. If you watch it at home, you'll end up spending half the movie saying "hey, this movie doesn't have a plot. Hey! Do you see this? This movie actually has no plot whatsoever! I've never seen that before."

It's funny to me to hear Michael Bay talk about this movie, because he says things like "all my friends want to know why I'd do a silly movie like this, and I don't know what to tell them," and "this is just the most ridiculous thing I've been involved in," etc., etc.

Let me refresh your memory, Mr. Bay. You are Michael Bay. You made Armageddon, you made Pearl Harbor, you made a second Bad Boys movie eleven years after you made the first one. Frankly, it could be argued this is the most serious thing you've ever done, that's how ridiculous your career is. Do not, for a moment, try to give us your "auteur director" b.s. We see through your web of lies.

On the complete flip side, I watched Schindler's List for the first time last night. A lot of the shock was gone for me since the film has become so entrenched in our film conscious that most of the stunning, blood-run-cold bits were a bit dulled, in the same way it would be if I'd watched Empire Strikes Back for the first time tonight while still having lived in pop culture for the past 23 years ("oh, look, Darth Vader is Luke's father. Shocker.").

Still, that's a film of some real raw power, isn't it? The best parts were whenever I got to a bit that I didn't know anything about - that Auschwitz shower scene, for example, I knew nothing about - and all of a sudden my stomach clenched with a "what's going to happen? How terrible is this going to end? I can't take it!" type of suspense, which I imagine is what it would've been like for people who saw the film when it came out. I wish I'd seen it then.