worst

The 19th Best Movie I Saw In Theaters This Year

(FADE IN)

Shia LaBeouf is bored with life after his adventures with the Transformers. There seems to be no excitement now that Megatron is defeated and his body sunk to the bottom of the ocean. He and Megan Fox have split since their time together, though they both still have feelings for each other. However, a new pack of Decepticons arrive on Earth to see why the planet has yet to be conquered. They resurrect Megatron (not with magic this time, but with their new, advanced evil-robot technology) and begin to wreak havoc on the planet. There are lots of explosions and robo-fights in crowded cities, where buildings can crumble and highway overpasses cinematically destroyed. In the meantime, Megatron vows revenge on those who defeated him, and captures Megan Fox. He demands the surrender of the Autobots. Instead, using their advanced robo-intuition – combined with a little pluck from Shia LaBeouf - the Autobots and LaBeouf launch a plan to rescue Fox from Megatron.  Hungry for excitement, LaBeouf insists on coming – which only leads to him almost being captured himself. In a desperate bid to save him, one of the other Autobots is killed, but the group is able to get away safely. LaBeouf is distraught, but rallies when he discovers that Fox has learned the plans for where the Decepticons plan to attack next. Unfortunately, it turns out the plans were a trap set by the Decepticons, who let Fox get away. The Autobots try to ambush the Decepticons at this location (ideally, New York City, London, or D.C.), but instead are ambushed themselves. Much robo-fighting ensues. The day is only saved when LaBeouf and Fox sneak over to the other side and destroy some important piece of equipment that affects how the Decipticons robo-fight or robo-communicate or something. The days is saved and all the new Decepticons introduced in this movie are destroyed, though Megatron and his original Decepticons escape and vow to fight again, probably in 2011 when the next movie comes out. Content with the easy life and a lack of adventure, LaBeouf and Fox get back together while all the Autobots robo-applaud.

 

(FADE TO BLACK)

The Twentieth Best Movie I’ve Seen In Theaters This Year

#20. The Informant!

If you’re just joining the party, here’s the list of The Twenty-Three Best Movies I’ve Seen In Theaters This Year.
 
I’ve been dreading doing this review because, while I cannot seem to summon any enthusiasm for the movie, neither can I spew any vitriol towards it. It seems, even in this review, The Informant! lacks any element of life.
 
The problem with The Informant! is that it just lies there, like a dead thing (or your momma! Boom!). Is it a drama? Maybe. The stakes keep rising as the plot moves along, and there’s an implicit understanding that Matt Damon’s character is in way over his head. Is it a comedy? Maybe. There are funny parts, and Damon is consistently amusing, perhaps even exceptional, whether on screen or in his understated, off-kilter voiceovers. Is it a satire? Maybe. It seems vaguely satirical, and most of the serious roles are played by top-notch comedians, leaving the viewer to assume that it’s supposed to be satirical.
 
But that’s the inherent problem. Even after having left the theater, I didn’t really know what it was supposed to be. I don’t have to tell you what a huge failure that is.
 
Let me tell you my suspicion: director Steven Soderbergh read the screenplay and felt that it was a satire. He cast the movie accordingly, throwing ace comedians (Joel McHale, Patton Oswalt, Tony Hale, Paul F. Tompkins, Tom Smothers, etc.) into all the major roles.  Then he gave the actors plenty of rope, assuming that they would just find the rhythm as the movie went along.
 
Unfortunately, the plot structure is too disjointed to allow such a maneuver. While Damon’s in the movie enough to establish a consistent tone, the rest of the cast appears in only a three or four scenes at the most. Most of them look like they tried to find the joke, couldn't, and decided to play it straight. There's nothing wrong with playing it straight, but most of the film takes place in boardrooms with characters bickering back and forth, and if there's no joke to be played, there's no reason to watch. So while the movie chugs along acceptably, there's never any sort of narrative momentum - the situation gets neither more dramatic nor particularly funny.

Sort of like this review, which is helpless to do anything but state the facts in the face of this singularly disappointing film.

In fact, the only reason the movie has any life at all is from Damon's performance, who remains eminently watchable and explosively funny the whole film - more in spite of than because of his gigantic and wholly unnecessary weight gain for this role.

Instead, the trailer - which boils the movie down to its funniest, most on-target moments - ends up being a much better representation of how a movie like this should feel. And that's a pretty sad thing to see.

Worst Dwayne Johnson Trailer?

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has had an interesting career. A former WWE wrestler - including a brief stretch as household name in that profession - he gracelessly transitioned into a film career, playing in quick succession  a bounty hunter, a former US soldier bent on ending corruption in his small town, a character in a movie based off a video game no one had played in 10 years, and (twice) a large half-man-half-scorpion. Not exactly a John Cazale-type run there.

However, Johnson has now reinvented himself as a family movie star. After appearing in Gridiron Gang as the tough-love coach of a juvenile detention football team, he followed it up with The Game Plan, where an arrogant, self-absorbed quarterback discovers he has a precocious 8-year-old daughter with an old girlfriend, and he must learn to get over his love of himse.... well, you get the idea. I haven't seen the movie, but I'm assuming at the end the girl comes up with a trick play involving glitter or something that wins them the Super Bowl.

It was at about this time that movie execs realized "man, The Rock will do anything." And so The Game Plan was followed by disasters like Race To Witch Mountain and now, these two movies.

I was in a theater over the weekend where these two trailers played back-to-back - it was almost too much pain for one man to humanly handle. I was gasping for air by the end.  First up is Tooth Fairy, where an arrogant, self-absorbed hockey player (guess who) is punished for his non-belief in magic by being forced to serve as a tooth fairy for a short time.

Second is Planet 51, where an arrogant, self-absorbed astronaut finds himself on an alien planet where - wait for it - wait for it - he's considered the alien.

Embedding was disabled, but here's the link.

I was gonna do a whole post about voting for the "Worst Trailer Of The Year," but then I realized that it's pretty much down to these two. So go ahead and vote: which one of these trailers is the Worst Trailer of the Year?